My Top Five Coolest Nameless Chicks in the New Testament

I’m sick and much worried by something… Nonetheless, postings must go on! hehehe…

A local clothing store once carried this slogan , “Be Famous or Be Anonymous.”  This commercially driven pakulo spawned a roster of scrawny models whose claim to fame is their ability to look good on various state of undress.  Now, anonymity literally means namelessness.  If we’re to interpret the slogan, we can see that it hastily concluded that namelessness equates to obscurity.   Many personages in the bible would say otherwise.  The Boy with Five Loaves and Two Fish, The Centurion and his Sick Servant, the Rich Young Man, the Ten Lepers are but a few of the characters in the New Testament who, despite the lack of name, were popular witnesses to the goodness of our Main Man, Jesus.  Now for want of balance, since I gave you last week the OT (short for Old Testament) chicks, today I’m doing a bit on NT (take a guess what it stands for?) chicks who kicked butts despite the lack of names.   Pareng Matthew, Mark, Luke and John probably thought it prudent to leave out names to protect these women’s identity and Jesus’ too.  Now, purely for the purposes of identification, I labeled these ladies with fictitious Philippine showbiz names.   I’m throwing in the bible verses as well for easy reference.  and so… I present to you my top five coolest nameless chick (with new aliases) in the New Testament.

Beginning our list is Donita, the copper coin widow (Mk12:38ff and Lk 21:1ff).  Donita (not her real name) popularized the expressions, widow’s mite (a small gift gratuitously given by someone who can’t afford it) and two cents (worthless contribution) simply by walking up to the collection box and dropping there her two copper coins.  She neither spoke (which is a sensible thing to do) nor did she make a scene to attract attention.  Kuya Jesus was the one who saw her, and was the one who saw in her the purity and wholeheartedness of her generosity.  Now, Donita made it at the number five of our list to remind you, readers, that I’m saving up for a digicam and like Jesus, your widow’s mite, your two cents would go a long way in realizing this poor seminarian’s humble dream of… teka, teka, that’s not what I intend to say!  What I really mean is that she bagged the fifth place to remind you that Christian charity is, to the famous words of Mother Teresa, “Giving till it hurts.”

Next on our list is Maja, the bleeding woman  (Mt 9:18ff, Mk 5:21ff and Luke 8:40ff).   We know her story: Jesus was on his way to Raising the Dead Daughter Project in the uptown Galilee when Maja (not her real name), suffering menometrorrhagia (I just googled this up) and had sworn to herself to stop her perpetual PMS, thought it brilliant to touch Jesus’s cloak for healing.  So terrible was her condition that her mere touch has “drained” Jesus of his powers.  I guess even Jesus knew by then that menstruation woes, especially PMS, truely are forces to reckon with.  Maja’s faith, a bit naive but thoroughly whole-hearted, won her the admiration of JC and the fouth place in our count down.

On our number three spot is shared by two ladies, Shaina, a licensed chiropractor and an owner of a high-end spa in Bethany (Bethany Anointer Mk 14:3-9) and Angelica, an infamous masseuse from Bethany 24-Hour Massage Parlor (Weeping Prostitute Mt 26:6-13).  Shaina (not her real name) pampered Jesus by giving him her best aromatherapy treatment, plus a combo of facial accupressure and a professionally done Indian head massage.  On the other hand, Angelica (also not her real name.  does this begin to annoy you?), notorious for offering “extra service” to her patrons, showed her hospitality by giving Jesus a weepy version of a foot spa.  While both saw fit to use their hair as part of their service,  Shaina stylishly anointed the head of Jesus with Jerusalem’s version of Chanel No.5 while Angelica, not earning much with her chosen “trade,” improvised by scrubbed Jesus’ feet using her own tears.  Now, people, these women are cool not because they can relieve stress through their well-placed touches, but because of their understanding of Jesus.  While Angelica recognized the loving and forgiving God in Christ, Shaina wordlessly proclaimed Jesus as the Messiah, literally the Anointed One.  Hmmm… theology na ito…

Number two spot is taken by Katrina, the Samaritan woman (John 4:4ff).  Katrina (not her real, you know, name.) was (in)famous in her town, Sychar, for having five hubbies and recently, a newly acquired boylet.  Her embarassment was so great, she opted to visit the town’s number one watering hole, Jacob’s Well, during midday so as to avoid the village tsismosas.   Jesus, by some twist of fate, appeared at her favorite schedule of pag-iigib and what ensued is a classic dialogue on redemption and eternal life.   The cool factor with this Samaritan lass is that she symbolically had Jesus as her seventh husband!   How,  you see, the well, during those time, is like a singles bar where you hang out to meet potential spouses.  Moses, Jacob and Isaac met their wives by hanging out by the wellside.  Katrina, representing the all the unfaithful and disobedient people is wooed by the Son of God to be his Bride, his Beloved.  She, in the end, had the privilege of becoming the first spreader of the Good News when she went beside her embarrasing self and invited others to share her joy of finding Christ.  So there’s your Samaritan beauty, Katrina, our first runner-up!    

Our number one coolest nameless New Testament chick is… Iza, the Syrophoenician woman (Mk 7:25)!!!  Iza (not her real name pero malay ba natin?)  happens to have a little daughter who is reminiscent of Linda Blair’s character in the cult classic, the Exorcist.  Fed up with her daughter’s bedside levitations, projectile vomiting, and 360 degree headturns, Iza went to see Jesus, upon learning from local tsismosas that this Galilean wonderboy is on a nearby town.  So she stalked Jesus and managed to corner him and his groupies having snacks at someone’s house. Then, after a witty repartee where Jesus was short of calling her a bitch (well, he did compared her to a dog so there…), she went home to find her daughter healed.  The cool factor with this Syrophoenician mom is that she’s a seasoned debater.  While Jesus always wins his arguments at any given day, on that particular encounter with her, the indefatigable Iza had the  winning last word.  Her determination, faith and sense of tact makes her worthy of becoming the number one on our coundown.

Ex Cursus: Mga kapatid, please pray for me.  My urine last night had blood on it and it’s possible that I may have a kidney problem too, an ailment that claimed the lives of my mom, my sister and four of my uncles.  Thank you and be assured of my prayers for you too.  To Coy: my long reply to your thought-provoking comment on My Top Five Low Profile Chicks will be my next post so wait up.

Like a Virgin… Whoa!

Tagged for the very first time… Like a ve-heheher-jin…. Hehehe, corny.

I was tagged by Eloiski and Mix.  Tags are a bit of a puzzle for me.  as far as I know, only museum pieces, store products, cadavers inside body bags, and animals on endangered species list are tagged, and I’m not any one of those… yet.  I don’t know how these work but somehow they felt every inch like chain letters. 

I’m not tagging anyone in return.  Voluntary na lang ito.  If one of you chose to be tagged, then God bless you!  I promise to pray three “Hail Mary”s for your particular intention.  And once I become a priest, I’ll give you lighter penance for your sins if you confess to me and, who knows?  I might even allow you to sip wine in the chalice during the Mass.

For those who will hope to tag me in the future (thinking a seminarian, being mabait, would always oblige), be patient.  It might take two months or so before I reply.  Pero I’d take time to answer them pa rin naman, promise.  I won’t entertain the ones I already answered, though.

For Mix: sa totoo lang, who’d bother to read the names I’d list?

And for you, boyishly cute Eloiski:   Panagutan mo ako!  kasi, ikaw ang nakauna sa akin… mag-Tag.  Hehehe…  You woe me one, girl!

 

Twelve Months:  choose the month you were born at and highlight the qualities that fits you.  Comments optional.

I was born January 2nd, some time before the 80’s.  But scanning all other months, parang March and May rin ako ipinanganak. hehehe…

 

• JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted (Stubborn as I can be.  Pero madaling maawa, or rather, madaling mauto).   Ambitious and serious (Serious? Really now…).   Loves to teach and be taught  (there are three things I wanted to be: a priest, a poet and a teacher). Always looking at people’s flaws and weaknesses (I only look at them naman kas i I see them pero I don’t take advantage of them.). Likes to criticize (If this means mang-okray, doesn’t everyone?). Hardworking and productive (Not really.  Look how much I can write in a month!). Smart, neat and organized (in my dreams). Sensitive and has deep thoughts (To be Ross of Friends has fallen to 90’s jolog-hood but hey, sensitive guys still get the chick. Hehehe…).  Knows how to make others happy (in tagalog, magaling magpaligaya ng iba?). Quiet unless excited or tensed (No, not really.  I’ve got to be the noisiest driver in the community.  Enroute to the theology school goes my unsolicited mini-concert series). Rather reserved (Truth to tell, this guy’s an introvert.). Highly attentive (for about five minutes or so). Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds (May IBS nga ako ngayon eh. Haay…). Romantic but has difficulties expressing love (mas exciting kasi ang love-hate relationship, hehehe). Loves children (but not in a Michael Jackson sort of loving). Loyal (Sobra). Has great social abilities (for an introvert, yeah) yet easily jealous (territorial lang po). Very stubborn (what’s the difference of stubborn here and the one at the beginning?) and money cautious (Not!).
• FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.
• MARCH: Attractive personality, Sexy, Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others.Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners.Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.
• APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.
• MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.
• JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.
• JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
• AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.
• SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people’s mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.
• OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.
• NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable
• DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.  

 

Utoy’s Eleven

Name 11 people you can think of right off the top of your head. Don’t read the questions underneath until you write the names of all the 11 people. This is a lot funnier if you actually randomly list the names first. No cheating.

The Eleven:

1.   Fr. Bong

2.   Lon

3.   Fr. Rey

4.   Janet

5.   Nanette

6.   Janna

7.   Utoy Vince

8.   Ate Ving

9.   Br. Ipe

10.   Obet

11.  Fritzie

 

The Questions:

1. How did you meet # 4?  Sa San Fernando.  Salingpusa ako sa choir nila.  Good friend ko na since then.
2. What would you do without #5?  That’s one less person who can make me laugh so malulungkot ako.
3. What would you do if #2 and # 6 were going out?  They not going out. Not if I can help it.
4. Who’s #10’s best friend? Me. Hehehe…  Kapatid, I’m always praying for you. Keep on dreaming!
5. Have you ever eaten around #1?  Yup.  He’s fond of lechon skin.
6. Do you miss #2?  He went for a summer exposure.  Miss ko na ang partner ko sa refectory.  Miss ko na rin ang dating Lon.
7. Who is #11 dating?  Walang duda, si Wilson!
8. What do you think of #3?   Magka-wavelength kami netu.  Kaya naman, idol ko yan!
9. What do you think of #9?  Multi-talented.  Humble.  Trend Setter.  Always ready to help.
10. Who does #2 like?  Bakit puro number two na lang ito?  Bushy Brows.  Hairline Recession.  Mukhang kriminal.  Best Friend Forever ko ang hayup na ito.
11. Would you marry #8?  Not my sister, no.  That’s too biblical.  But a girl like her would make a great wife. Ate, yung pandagdag ko sa pambili ng digicam ha.  Hehehe…

My Top Five Coolest Low-Profile Chicks in the Old Testament

Women.  The popular ones have no substance.  The quiet ones, well, they don’t get to be prom queens.   Still, most “substantial” women I knew may not have a conversation-starting beauty but have definitely made a mark of their own, in an unassuming and silent manner.   Mind you, these women are far from being the girls described in Janis Ian’s song, “Seventeen.”   These self-made goddesses chose to be known for the strength of their character rather than the size of their… uhhmmm… cup.  To them, I dedicate this post (especially to you who accused me of being anti-feminist solely because I came from San Carlos Seminary).

The Gospel of Luke portrays a strongly feminist Jesus which the girls would find endearing.  The rest of the Bible, well, they’re decidedly masculine.  But every now and then, there lights a biblical scene where the day is saved by a female touch.  We’ve known a few, like Mother Mary, Mary Magdalene, Ruth, Judith, Esther, etc. but on this post, I chose five relatively unknown heroines in the Old Testament who rose to the challenge of their femininity and won for themselves the dignity that they deserve.  I threw in the bible chapter where they can be found so you’ll know I’m not pulling your leg.  Now, without much ado, I present to you my top five coolest Low-Profile Chicks  in the Old Testament.  Yep, I said Chicks.  Sue me.

On our fifth place is occupied by the beguiling Abigail.  Not a slacker on the beauty department, Abigail (1 Samuel 25) had a king on her second marriage, no less than David himself.  Unlike Bathsheba, another wife of David, who charmed him by bathing naked on a garden, Abigail won the heart of this biblical hearthrob with her sense of diplomacy.  When David was but a renegade general in King Saul’s army, he sought refuge not in Oakwood nor in Manila Pen but in Abigail’s house.  Abigail’s first husband, who watches only ESPN and JackTV hasn’t heard of this general and so rejected David’s request.  Abigail, who learned of David through tsismisan sa palengke, knew better so she whipped out her piche-piche and pancit malabon recipe from her top drawer and summoned her maids to cook them as she went in haste to, of all places, a spa/beauty parlor.  David was already peeved enough to destroy the house who refused him hospitality but was immediately appeased when he saw a fully made-up and french-nailed Abigail with her bilaos of kakanin.   Abigail’s husband went into cardiac arrest when he learned who is he dealing with and so the widowed Abigail, with her memorable kakanin and her sexy sense of prudence, was taken as David’s wife.

Our number four slot goes to the courageous Deborah!  Deborah (Judges 4 & 5) was an Israelite housewife and mom who sidelines as a prophetess and songwriter.   Her cool factor lies on the fact that she’s the first and only female judge during the Era of Judges.  This means that not only can she cook a mean lasagna, she also knows how to lead a battle as well.  So well in fact that the general of Israel’s army had her as his adviser and a sort of personal bodyguard.  Deborah means “bee” in Hebrew, a name that fits her perfectly.  As Ricky Martin’s She Bangs aptly puts it:  “She looks like a flower but stings like a bee.”

Our second runner up on our search for the Little Miss Pretty Unknown is Tamar.  For Tamar (Genesis 38), her cool factor lies on the fact that after getting widowed twice, she managed to trick her biyenan, Judah, to have sex with her and so bear him sons.  Her little story of determination and adriotness, just 22 verses long, is replete with scandals:  deception, blackmail, incest, prostitution, unprotected sex with older men, provocative dresses and withdrawal method as contraception.  Tamar’s tale is plain too racy for me to elaborate on my post but interesting enough for you to actually read her story, so go ahead, Google it.  Hmmm… nahiya pa.  Sige na, search mo na!

Up on our number two cool chick is the business-minded Rahab.  Rahab (Joshua 2) is an HRM graduate who decided to open her own breakfast-and-bed at the outskirts of  downtown Jericho.  Such trade for an unmarried lady however wasn’t as dignified as it is today.  You see, when she started accepting male travellers to stay for a night, neighbors called her a babaeng bayaran.  But who can resist Rahab’s little inn, with its cheap rate and rooms with scenic views of the city?  Not even the spies of Joshua, apparently, who rented a suite room at Rahab’s for their stakeouts before the Israelite’s takeover.  The stakeout was soon discovered, but when the mayor of Jericho sent armies to arrest the spies, Rahab had a dose of Stockholm syndrome and went to hid her endangered tenants.  For a price, of course, as Rahab, a true-blue palengkera, struck a bargain with the spies to protect them in return for the safety of her own family.  This deal was honored with a symbolic “red ribbon on the window” scheme and since then, Rahab’s reputation was redeemed and became a respected member of the Israelite community.  Thus, Rahab’s story has the following moral lessons:  Good location defines your business.  Don’t mind the gossips.  Love your customers.  Pray to God often.  And finally, when it comes to the welfare of your family, always strike the best deal.

And now, for our number one coolest low profile chick in the Old Testament.  She is no other than…  Hagar!  Far from that sword-wielding Viking from the Philippine Star’s comic page, Hagar (Genesis 16 & 21) is a certified probinsyana from the south (Egypt, actually) working as a domestic helper in Middle East for the the posh residence of Ser Abraham and Ma’am Sarah.  Hagar’s tale is a classic sob story of housemaids: Nabuntis ni Ser, binugbog ni Ma’am, pinalayas nang walang sweldo.  But our God isn’t blind to Inday Hagar’s sorry plight.  Yahweh saved her and spoke to her.  Twice.  He even blest her and her baby.  Twice.  It’s a privilege not shared by any other women in the Old Testament.  Hagar, a battered tsimay who found favor with Yahweh is a fitting image of redemption for a pinay domestic helper who left her homeland to slave her way in hope of a better life.  Life may be hard for a stranger in a foreign land, but God is always near, always ready to save, always ready to bless.  Inday Hagar, the little atsay that could, is our number one coolest biblical chick that deserves our recognition.

Wanna Piece of Utoy?

I’ve got something to confess.  First, you see the man in my avatar?  That isn’t me.  it’s a vintage photo of a seminarian from our congregation during the early sixties.  Second, I’ve got pictures of me in the Net which I am not particularly proud of but are now posted by a well-meaning friend in his website.  To view them, click on this link and kindly leave a comment there.  But I must warn you, what you’ll find in there about me might scandalize you kasi on that website, I went “all the way” and literally bared everything in public.  You might not look at my blog the same way again.   God help me,  I’m only human…

My Top Ten Coolest Parables, Da Conclusion!

Welcome back to our Top Ten Coolest Parables!  I’ve been on a blogging hiatus for more than a week.  I’m too busy beadling around.  It’s difficult to be creative, much more to write, when there’s alot of things to manage around the seminary and to coordinate with my superiors.  Today nga pala, I renewed for the third time my vows of chastity, poverty and obedience.  Any congratulations for me out there?  Anyhow, enough of the alibis.  Here, as promised, is the conclusion of our Top Ten Coolest Parables…

We begin our countdown with the Parable of the Wedding Feast at the number five slot.  It’s about a king who chose congressmen and mayors and wives of generals to be ninongs and ninangs for his son’s wedding.  He sent out invitations printed on scented linen paper and has prepared a powerpoint presentation of embarassing childhood photos of the bride and groom and their “pre-wedding honeymoon” in Puerto Galera.  But really, do you expect mayors and congressmen to attend a wedding reception on a casino night?   Afraid that 200pesos per plate dinner  for 500 pax (consisting of a few strands of carbonara, a slice of morcon, a sliver of fish fillet, a small heap of buttered vegetables and a cup of fruit salad) would go to waste, the King rounded up just about anyone in the streets (reminsicent of EDSA Tres) to grace the occasion.   The story doesn’t end there.  After all the “new guests” have arrived, he refused a person solely because his outfit failed to follow the wedding motif of fuschia and chartreuse (nagspell check pa ako sa word na ito, pink and green lang naman ang ibig sabihin).  What I couldn’t believe is that a King made all this fuss of inviting and preparing (except of course, the killing of the ninongs for their non-appearance).  Today, that would be the role of the Mother of the Bride, or, more appropriately, the role of a wedding coordinator.

At our number four slot is the Parable of the Lost Sheep!  In the pre-GPS days, what is lost has to be searched manually.  Now, why sheep?  The habit of counting sheep jumping over the fence in order to fall asleep already alludes to this creature’s propensity to get escape and get lost.  There are many livestocks in the bible but none has heard of the parable of the lost cattle, goat or chicken.  Only sheep.  Now, what’s cool with this parable is that it is the most gender-sensitive parable.  The shepherd, presumably male, is juxtaposed to another parable, that of a woman who lost one of her ten silver coins.  She swept the house, as every woman of her time is wont to do in absence of a vacuum cleaner, to look the coin, then, upon finding it, threw a party  (nagpa-cheeseburger siguro sya).  Scholars believed that the coin was part of her precious dowry.  In layman’s term, that’s her ticket to getting married.  I knew of many women who will also turn the house upside down if the end of her spinsterhood depends on a silver coin.  I’ve got a feeling this woman and that shepherd would make a good couple.

Bagging the third place is the Parable of the Good Samaritan!  This parable carries the classic bar joke formula,  “The third guy always has the punchline.”   If the Filipino joke involves an Amerikano, a Hapon and a Pinoy while the British joke characters are English, Irish and Welsh, this parable has a priest, a Levite and a Samaritan.  As it turn out, being helped by a stranger (wasn’t that the last line from Street Car Named Desire?) made the day.  The Good Samaritan became a by-word for any stranger who lent a hand for someone in urgent need.  Truth to tell, the biblical Good Samaritan points to someone whom we see as our mortal enemy but saves our sorry butts in the end.   To the Good Samaritans of our lives, they surely have the last laugh.   

The second place goes to The Parable of the Beggar and the Rich Man!  This parable has the honor of having characters with an actual names.  The beggar is named Lazarus, while tradition has it that the rich man is called Dives (Latin word for Filthy Rich).   This is a parable of two acts.  The first act is at the comedor of the Dives residence, probably furnished with a Cobonpue dining set and faux Thai wall panellings by Willy Layug.    Dives turned out to be a messy eater because his table habits has provided enough sustenance for quite a number of dogs and has inspired the beggar Lazarus to literally go under the table in hope of a better lunch.   Then death came to the two.  In my mind, Medical City coronary declared Dives dead due to acute pancreatitis (bangungot) while the Bible subtly implied that the galising Lazarus is nadale ng rabies.   Dives then suffered in hell while Lazarus rests at the bosom of Abraham (I’ve never known Abe to be… bosomy).  It should be noted that Dives here didn’t do anything mean to Lazarus.  He went to hell mainly because he failed to recognize a human being under his nose and invite him to share in his dinner.   Hmmm… I’m becoming preachy here. Better give you the winning parable.

Now, the number one coolest Parable is… The Prodigal Son!  This “Primetime Bida”-worthy parable is actually a continuation of the “Lost Sheep and Coin” narrative, made more mushy maudlin and melodramatic.  Any Catholic decent enough to be called one knows this story by heart.  But not everyone really knows what “prodigal” means.  To the most of us, I myself included, ”prodigal” means someone disrespectful, disobedient and even ungrateful to his parents.  It’s a touch baffling to know that it actualy means someone who doesn’t know how to handle his money, a spendthrift, a compulsive buyer, or more appropriately in tagalog, alibugha.  But even alibugha is often associated to being a family’s black sheep and not from being magastos.   On our parable, the magastos trait seems genetic:  the son is prodigal precisely because the father is prodigal himself.  When his son returned, he went overload in spending by throwing rave parties for the son, no questions asked.  Now, why is this the coolest for me?  Simply because this is true: It’s the story of our life just waiting to happen.  Any moment now, we’ll wake up one morning and decide to return to Him.  Just imagine what great gifts await us.  This is because we, people, have a God who truly knows how to party.

Teka, naiiyak na ako…

My Top Ten Coolest Parables, Part I

Since last week, I’m down with german measles (tigdas, mga kapatid, tigdas!).  I still am sick but I missed blogging so much (This is all your fault, bluep.  You’ve turn this innocent seminarian into a blogging addict.), I can’t help but at least check my account every now and then.  Since sayang naman ang momentum, I decided na rin to post another countdown and so…

I chose to make a bit about parables today.  And instead of the usual top five, I’m giving you, not six, not seven, not eight but ten! Yes, ten coolest parables thoughtfully provided for us by the most beloved Jew of all time, -No, you despicable heathen! Not Woody Allen…- Jesus Christ!  But wait, there’s more!  You can get all these in an unbelievable offering of two posts!  Yup, I know, it’s lame to divide the ten parables into two posts but, guys, have a heart here.  Come over, hug me for a minute and share my tigdas so you’d know how daunting it is  for someone to write a post especially when his brain feels like it’s on a 24-hour rinse cycle.

Without much ado, my top ten Coolest Parables!  (or at least the first half of it.)

On number ten is the Parable of the Laborers at the Vineyard!  You’ve heard this one.  The master of the vineyard hired laborers at different times of the day and, come evening, everyone gets the same pay.   The morale of the story: get hired late.  No, not that!  What I meant was, we all get the same gift of salvation, not because we’re so gung-ho for it but because God simply felt so.   What made this cool?  Because it’s so “Just for Laughs,”  so “Punk’d,”  so “Wow, Mali!”  The Master of the Vineyard cracked a holy practical joke, cajoling the overly serious among us “Uy, tawa naman dyan!“  And so, our “Yari ka!” with a purpose gets the tenth place.

The Parable of the Talents gets the ninth place on our countdown.    For you non-biblereaders, this is a story of a manager giving large sums of money to three of his management trainees then returns after a year to see how they invested on it.  One ventured on stocks and invested heavily on langka-flavored virgin coconut oil which made it big in the market.  The other used the money to produce an indie film about gay men which reaped awards abroad.  The third one just didn’t bother investing the money because he’s busy blogging how his boss sucks and so he just stashed the money on some place unproductive.  Upon the return of the manager, the two profit-earning management trainees were promoted while the third one was fired after his YouTube post of his boss’s  rendition of Ako si Mister Suave from last year’s office Christmas party leaked out.  Or something to that effect…

On number eight is our favorite agricultural moral lesson, the Parable of the Sower!  In this parable, our protagonist threw seeds all over the place as if it’s his first time to plant at all.  I dare not say that the sower is an adik-adik because, people, this is the best explained parable with Jesus himself elaborating on its allegory.  The sower is more like… a botanical researcher.  Plot A (Roadside) experienced drastic loss of seedlings due to unwarranted avian pests.  Plot B (Stony Ground) exhibited a minimum potential for viability of seedlings due to excessive exposure to elements.  Plot C (With thistles) is replete with other competing vegetation that the phytological imbalance resulted to inferior germination of the seeds.  Plot D (Good Soil, or sabi nung Grade I tayo, “loam”) has the optimum condition for any horticultural prospects so… so… Hoy, Inday, tulungan mo nga muna akong tapusin ang sentence na ito!

Coming strong at number seven is the Parable of the Pharisee and the Publican.  These two praying figure is a popular imagery of how to -and how not to- pray.  What’s cool in this parable is that even for a little while, God has imbued us with Mental Telepathy (a la Matt Parker of Heroes) and were able to read the minds of the adult male Jews who were, thankfully, not thinking of anything X-rated at that moment.  Instead, we caught them praying.  Had they been me and you, my beloved reader, it will be a totally different parable, a parable with a lesson on chastity of thoughts.  Whew.  On this parable, it’s a win-win situation for all.  The Pharisee is leading a properous, albeit legalistic, life, the Publican pleased God with his prayers, we get to know how cool it is to read minds and lastly, Jesus was able to make his point.  Happy ending for everyone.

Our number six coolest parable is the Parable of the Ten Virgins!  Just imagine, ten virgins all by themselves at middle of the night.  Hmmm… Ten virgins…  They’re ten… and they’re virgins… Hmmm…  Teka, stop it there!  I may not have the mind-reading skill from the last parable but I can tell that what ever you’re thinking right now, it’s naughty.  Anyway, what’s cool about this parable is that this is the first blond-versus-brunette battle ever recorded in history, or rather, the battle between the smart women and the dumb lasses, where the Janina San Juans of this part of the world were surely eliminated.  You can almost hear Tyra Banks say, “I only have here five photos, the five ladies who will be on the running for the Israel’s Next Top Virgin.”  Truth to tell, I don’t know how smart these five virgins really were because in the end, they all but shared one bridegroom. 

That, kapatid, is one lucky bridegroom.  hhmmm… five virgins…

That’s all for now.  For my next post, you may suggest which other parables should make it to the list.  Who do you think will be on the top five positions? Let’s find out next week on the conclusion of … My Top Ten Coolest Parables!

My Top Five Coolest Old Testament Villains

Today, we’re going to take a closer look at a handful of colorful characters in the Old Testament that has given our biblical leading men a hard time in their career or at least has kept their hands tangled for some time: the contrabidas.  I was actually hoping to write about New Testament villains with Judas bagging the number one post, but so far, I can only identify three villains.  The rest are but a collective of single-minded people determined to give Jesus the biblical pain in the neck, like the Sanhedrin, the Saducees, the Roman soldiers…  Anyway, without much ado, here are my top five coolest Old Testament Villains:

Beginning at number five, we’ve got Delilah!  Sexy, sultry, seductive, sensuous, sylphlike and just about any adjective that flatters a woman beginning with the letter S, our number five villain, uhm, villainess played the role of a double agent and stole the heart of Samson, the undefeatable but embarrassingly gullible champion of the Jews.  If you watched Ruffa Guttierrez’s Manila Film Fest award-winning acting in the movie, Loretta, you’d agree that there’s nothing more menacing than a woman standing by your bedside, wielding a bladed weapon as you sleep, especially if that woman by your bedside is Ruffa herself.  Mercifully, all that Delilah had to do to subdue Samson was to give him a really bad haircut.  This is, of course, after a series of misses that hasn’t even arouse Samson’s slightest suspicion.  Not to be judged solely for her looks, but also for her, uhm, sharpness and persistence,  this biblical beauty gets away with the fifth place.

Number four in our countdown is King Saul!  Now, Saul is not the bad guy of the usual mold.  In fact, he has the honor of being the first King of Israel, chosen on the merits of… height and beauty.  I’m not kidding.  Look it up at chapter 9 of the first book of Samuel.  What makes him cool however is that he’s got this very showbiz side of him that evokes a psychologically conflicted personality who knows what it feels to be robbed of the spotlight.  When the mas bata at sariwa David came to the scene, his approval rating in the kingdom (measured by an ancient SWS and announced daily through a song number) just failed to hold up and so, bitter of being laos, he waged war with David.  Had this happened today, pareng Saul and David could have just settled it in a pataasan ng score sa Magic Sing or, true to his showbiz bent, King Saul will probably reinvent himself by getting a pair of killer abs and appearing in a sex scandal video.   Short of becoming an archetype of an upstaged has-been, our number four villain is King Saul.   

Jezebel gets to be our number three contrabida.  Nope, she isn’t Alice Dixson.  Nope, not Vilma Santos either. And nope, not even Marian Rivera, though that merits a patient waiting on my part.  Far from being a fish-tailed Mars Ravelo character, Jezebel is a scheming, power-hungry, murderous, vengeful but little-known Canaanite queen who wouldn’t let anything or anyone get to her way, and is probably the earliest example of a sosyalerang b****.   Her object of hatred is Elijah, the champion of the True God and, in my opinion, the superstar of all Old Testament prophets.  The struggle between the her and Elijah is truly epic in proportion.  Mala-ZTE scandal ang dating.  Suffering the usual fate of a telenovela villainess, Queen Jezebel’s tale ended in a rather gory demise. Moving on.. 

Our number two spot belongs to The Pharaoh!  The name Pharaoh isn’t actually a personal name, a title, nor even a term of endearment but rather a way of referring to the Egyptian king without actually saying his (supposedly holy) name.  It literally means, The Big House, much like how we refer to the government as Sa Malacañang or The White House or Il Vaticano or La Casa Rosa or sabi raw ng Head Office.   Now, the Pharaoh, upon learning that his people were being outnumbered by the ever-growing Jewish immigrants to Egypt, has decreed the following: 1. abortion, 2. infanticide, and 3. the hiring of all Hebrew men and women as construction workers and domestic helpers and subjecting them to unfair labor practices.  Now that’s eeeevil.  Moses, the first labor union leader, rose to obtain Philhealth benefits, vacation leave and night-time differentials for his people.  What then ensued was the most creative way of having the management sign a CBA contract: by means of Ten Plagues.  Hmmm, Ten Plagues.  That’s a good topic for the next countdown, though now, I can’t seem to resist Dom’s suggestion. Anyway…

Our number one villain in the Old Testament is…..! The Serpent!  Yup, the ultimate image of evil, the universal representation of a malevolent spirit, the animal that clearly spells bad news, the asp, the snake, the zero-legged reptile, da Serpent!  The first biblical bad guy is often depicted in medieval paintings as a coiling, sinuous creature asking a big-hipped naked woman to consider a high fiber fruit diet.  Not that it implies dieting as an invention of the Devil, but look, after Eve and Adam ate the Serpent’s offering, they began to make clothes for themselves and indulge themselves with yet another evil which fearfully thrive even in the present days: fashion.  Uy, ha. Gawa-gawa ko lang yan.  Baka naman maniwala kayo.  Mabalik tayo… The Serpent bagged the number one place in our countdown for his groundbreaking efforts to spread evil and suffering in this world.  I haven’t, in my lifetime been tempted by any reptile to go munch on a bayabas but isn’t the idea of a snake carrying on a meaningful conversation and even convincing our first parents to sin with a telemarketer’s ease cool enough for you?

Haynako, mapapahamak ako sa mga pinagsasasabi ko dito eh.  Next time siguro, I’m writing a disclaimer.  Hehehe…

My Top Five Coolest Miracles of Jesus

I don’t know… but I have a feeling this is how my future posts will be all about: the countdown of anything about religion, told in my own light.   I hope I’ll find new topic for posts soon, lest I bore you with these top five religious stuffs.  Having said that, I’ll begin today with another countdown.  Here goes…

When we’re kids, we knew the Holy Bible, not as a Word of God revealed to mankind for their salvation which finds  its fulfillment at the Paschal Mystery of Christ, but rather, as a collection of the downright awesome miracles that happened in the olden times.  It carries Moses, Abraham, Elijah and other colorful characters that light up the imagination of the young.  Jesus, in particular, is the main man of marvels for any Christian gradeschooler as there are four Gospels chronicling (may word bang ganun?) his miracles to its juiciest details.   Jesus may not have superstrength, own a Batcave, sling a web or have adamantium claws sprouting at his knuckles, but for any kid in a Christian Living classes at school, the Son of God definitely rocks.  I know each of us got his own pick for the top five coolest miracles, but bear with me as I present now my own choices. 

Our countdown opens with “Walking on Water” as number five of our list.  Come on, now.  Who among the Filipinos have been to the beaches, rivers, lakes or even the perennial floods of España and Pateros and not wished to have this ability?  For kids, it surely beats cannonball and tamblingan sa tulay on the level of impressiveness.   However, this miracle suffers on its usefulness to others.  Jesus meant to save the world, not play Baywatch to Peter all the time.  And so, for the merit of pure showmanship, “Walking on Water” lands on number five.

Next on our countdown is “Calming the Sea Storm.”  Now, Ororo Munro of X-Men fame may share this particular ability of Jesus, but what’s really cool about this particular event is the low-key, happy-go-jackpot image which Jesus chose to exude.  You see, while everyone panicked and worried about getting their luggage wet, Jesus lounges unperturbed at the cabin (Peter’s boat has no sundeck), short of wearing Bermuda shorts and sipping pineapple daiquiri.  When all the apostles are ready for a Poseidon adventure, Jesus casually told the wind and the sea, “Hoy, ano ba… te’mek kayo dyan!”    Suddenly, there’s no storm.  Only a salty crew of apostles in life-vests staring at the clear open sea.

Bagging the third place is the “Raising of Lazarus.”  This event prefigures Christ’s own resurrection event, which is seriously the greatest miracle of Jesus.  Now, the cool factor with this miracle is in the fact that Lazarus had been dead for days when he was revived from his tomb.  Talk about Twenty-eight Weeks, Dawn of the Dead and any of those George Romero movies.   Questions come into mind: If you’re bound from head to foot with long strips of linen and is sewn in to a shroud, been dead for days, hasn’t eaten anything, with maggots feasting on your major muscles, how can you walk out of your own grave?  Only by miracle, of course.  Next question,  if Lazarus had been dead and rotting for some time and was later revived, how would Mary and Martha feel every time they sleep, knowing that their once-dead and grave-stinky brother is in a room next to them?  Also, if a person who where once flat-liners had NDE (Near Death Experience), what would Lazarus’ experience be called?  The answer is left for us to conjecture.

Our number two spot goes to “Changing Water into Wine.”  Now, “Changing Water into Wine” may not be a hit for kids, but for a Filipino male, sixteen years old and above, this is definitely the coolest miracle.  To the hearts of every magbabarik (batangueño word for, uhhm, liquor aficionado), if Jesus lives today, he will be recognized as the Ultimate Tanggero, the real and personal God and Savior of every inuman.

And now, for our number one miracle of Jesus… it’s the “Feeding of the Five Thousand!”   Yehey!  Now, if you’re not happy and clapping with my choice, chances are you’re the kind who will vote for “Changing Water into Wine” as the number one, you inebriated soak, you.  But let me first tell you the merit of this miracle.  Aside from the fact that this foreshadows the mysteries of the Eucharist, this is one miracle with the most number of people benefited on it.   The bible noted that the nourished population is five thousand men, not counting women and children.  Many books would infer that since in a family of an average middle eastern man, there’s one wife and two children at least, the rough estimate of happily fed Jews would be around 25,000!  And it only took two loaves and some fish.  At may leftovers pa!   It’s the ultimate catering service miracle, my brothers and sisters!  Now, segue tayo on the present world crisis on food shortage.  Some scripture scholar speculated that the actual miracle of the event is that when Jesus broke and blest the bread, some witnesses at the time were inspired to share their own food to others and then voluntarily yet anonymously added their baon to what Jesus has prepared.  The miracle, some said (though not magisterially recognized) , is that Jesus pioneered the idea of a Potluck.  Everyone is fed, everyone was able to share, everyone was happy. ..   You know where I am leading here.  You know why I chose this as the number one miracle.  You know it and you believe in it.  It’s the one miracle we hope to happen again, it is the one miracle we are all capable of, it is the one miracle that can help the world if only we take cue to what had happened to that fateful evening at the Galilee beach, two thousand years ago.   

Let the Jesus in us break and bless the bread on our hands and reach out to share it to others.  Amen.

(i’ll be gone for three days again. hehehe…)

My Top Five Coolest Apostles, Shamelessly Relaunched!

I’m reposting one of my earliest posts, the one that only bluepanjeet ever noticed. hehehe… historical na ito, as in last Holy Week.  Now, do I sound like I’m begging you to read it?  Don’t answer that.  Just read on.

Last Holy Thursday morning, I went to the distaff side of our congregation, our beloved sisters who were once contemplative nuns before Perfectae Caritatis (a Vatican document on Nuns) was published and are now known as those cream-colored sisters from Zabarte. There, together with the two of my brothers, I gave a recollection to a dozen of prepubescent boys who will play apostles  that night (sige, sister, start them young…) at the Liturgy of the Washing of the Feet. That day, they picked out from a bowl the names of the apostles they represent. This is a touch pointless, I think because, as soon as they’re robed and bearded, it’s only Judas and Peter you’ll recognize. Judas, because he’s often made up like some villain in a bad Old Western flick, and Peter, because he has these ridiculously huge keys hanging on his belt, like some nightshift school janitor from antiquity. While there’s a minor ruckus about being the Judas in the bunch, most of them had not a slightest idea who these apostles were. So, I tried my best to explain how the apostles are actually cool dead guys who used hang around with Jesus in Galilee beach. I even surprised myself on how much I know of the gory details the apostles met their martyrdom. Anyway…  Enough of the intro. Here are the top five coolest Apostles whom Jesus shared lunch with.

Number 5 in our list is Apostle Andrew! Andrew exudes masculinity by acting laconic all through out the Gospel (very quiet, this dude), and even has the name to assert his macho image (I learned from my Greek class that Andreia, a common name for a woman, ironically means manhood). His manner of crucifixion on a saltire cross (that’s an X-shaped cross for you, heathen) evokes an image from another equally immortal saga of the battle between good and evil that has captivated the hearts of many men and women of all ages around the globe: the marquee of X-Men Trilogy. But, as the Eastern churches pointed out in their iconography, our number five guy has just too much guy-thing in him, he might as well be the Queer Five’s next makeover project. His wild-haired, untidy and “wasted”-chic image just doesn’t work for some.

Apostle Matthew made it to the Number 4 of our countdown. This gentleman has a knack for story-telling and a passion for writing that a Gospel was attributed to him (which is a great talent to have, especially in keeping your date interested, and in stealthly avoiding the next round of gin bulag.) He has got a nickname, Levi, which is both Jewish and “expensive jeans”-sounding. The book he purportedly wrote is symbolized by a man with wings, which brings to mind Angel (of X-Men: The Last Stand fame, who is both awe-inspiring and irrelevant to the movie). But he’s down to #4 mainly because that stint as an Internal Revenues man isn’t really helping his image. But hey, at least, he gets to be number four in our list!

Apostle Thomas made it to a very respectable number three. The notoriety of our number three Apostle is recorded in the Scripture when he had the audacity to doubt Jesus’ resurrection. But what’s really cool is that he’s often depicted in paintings as poking into the torso wound of Jesus, a la Fear Factor style. Like, the temerity of this guy! Thomas is known by many name: the Believer (since he’s the first to address Jesus as “my God.”), the Scientist (because his a posteriori approach to truth is very positivist, or said so by my professor in Epistemology), Apostle to India… A little trivia here from JBC (seminary speak for that huge book about scripture which every theology student must have): his whole name is Thomas Didymus, both of which mean the Twin. Now, your dad won’t name you Twin Twin, would he? So that means, despite all these nicknames and stuffs, we actually do not know Thomas’s real name. Oh, well…

Next on our list is Apostle John. Esteemed with the honor of being the Last of the Witnesses, John is generally considered as Jesus’ best buddy. Born to Mr. and Mrs. Zebedee, our number two guy and his brother, James, are monickered Sons of Thunder (which sounded silly in tagalog: imagine responding to the label, Anak ng Kulog), as though they have Storm and Thor as their mom and dad. The Gospel of his namesake suggested in the subtlest manner that he gets to take care of Jesus’ mom (and our mom, too) not because he’s got superheroes for parents but mainly because it’s the sweetest thing our main man Jesus can do for his best friend, trusting his most loved girl to John’s care. Or was it John who needed the caring? Anyway… There’s a little something about this Apostle that nags the sensibilities of many, like being called the Beloved, having no beard, owning a crown of silky flowing hair and be mistaken, of all people, for Mary Magdalene. Was John just being metrosexual? And, come on now, what is that resting one’s head on the Lord’s chest all about? I don’t know but your sacrilegious guess is as just good as mine.

And now, for our number one spot, we’ve got… drumrolls, please… Apostle Peter! Now, people, this isn’t lutong macao. But just imagine who could be cooler than Peter? If that wrestler-turned-actor now preferred to be billed as Dwayne Johnson, Pete here relished being called The Rock. And that’s because he’s no Simple Simon at all aspect: he’s got a lovely wife (we know for a fact that middle-eastern women are generally astoundingly beautiful), a mother-in-law who cooks for the gang, a yacht, a fishing business, a retirement place along the beaches of Italy, the primacy among his fellow Apostles, and, of course, the famous keys to Heaven. And his bizarre ideas of joining Christ in walking on water, getting lunchmoney from fish bellies and, later in life, being crucified upsidedown are simply genius, a legitimate exercise of coolness. Our applause to Peter, the Apostle!

Other contenters who almost made it to our list but are still noteworthy were Apostle Paul (late entry) and Judas Escariot (disqualified). Now, excuse me, you all. I just really need to go to confession…

My Top Five Coolest Marian Titles from the Litany

(This countdown is purely self-indulgent and does not aim to explain any theology or dogma so cut me some slack here, ok?)

   

Welcome back to our Top Five Count Down!  Last March, I had a post on the top five coolest apostles, which, mercilessly, no one bothered to read.  Gayunpaman, that does not stop me from rating some aspects of our Church’s rich tradition according the degree of their coolness.  Inuulit ko, no heavy theology here.  Trip-trip lang, as usual. Hehehe… Having made that clear, let’s get on with our count down.  This week, we’re rating the titles of Mary in the Litany (you know, the ones said after the rosary).  Here they go…

     Seat of Wisdom  finds itself at number five!  This title, inspired by the many icons of Mary holding Jesus, the Holy Wisdom, figures strongly in the Eastern Church traditions, but that isn’t what this count down is all about.  Sedes Sapientiae made it to our top five precisely because it’s every Catholic teacher’s favorite opening prayer at each class.  I actually never knew the reason why, but, since my college days until I took up Theology, there is hardly a professor, whether a layperson, a nun or a priest, who would begin his lecture with an originally composed prayer.  While nuns favored classic prayers, like Morning Offering, Hail Mary and lines form a church hymn, the rest of the professors opted to mumble, after crossing themselves, “Mary, Seat of Wisdom,” to which the students will automatically reply, “pray for us.”  Whether the teacher simply finds the Hail Mary too long or this title especially encourages their students to rely more to the Blessed Mother rather than on kodigos, I’ll never know.

     Ark of the Covenant falls on number three!  This title has a strong biblical meaning, prefigured in the Book of Exodus and affirmed by the Gospels of Luke and Matthew, but again, must I repeat, that is hardly the reason why it’s the number four Marian title.  It’s there because this title evokes the timeless tale of a man who drank from the Cup, emerged from the tomb, and has saved the word from doom, the man resurrected for all of us, not by God but by George Lucas: Indiana Jones.  And, must I push forward, the title is also very Dan Brown-ish, with all that crap about Priory of Zion and the Holy Grail.  But it only made it to the third because really, after all this pop culture references, Catholics hardly refer to Mary as the Ark of the Covenant. Shame on us.

     Tower of Ivory is the fourth  on our five coolest titles.  I have no idea why this is a Marian title, aside probably to some vague references at the Song of Songs, describing the neck of a young woman.  I can’t surmise that Mary too has a neck that looked like an ivory tower, nor can I conclude that she’s longlegged (hence, a tower) or jaundice-skinned (hence, a yellowing ivory).   Ironically, an ivory tower is often a symbolic place for those who daydreams or who are arrogantly intellectual.  It can be suggested however that Mary, as tower of ivory, means, she is a stronghold made out of pure material (just like Ivory soap which is 100% pure soap). Teka, corny na…

     Morning Star made it to our number two spot.  What’s cool about this title is that Mary shares it with, of all people, Lucifer.  Imagine calling your mother the same monicker as your archnemesis.  But the title’s coolness does not stop there.  Morning Star, according to our gradeschool science, is the planet Venus.  Venus is named such because, at dawn, when all stars have vanished one by one, the Morning Star shines the brightest and is the last one to go. Same goes when evening comes where our Morning Star is the first one to appear.  Now that makes a good title for Mary because it describes her to be not only punctual but also the one who always works overtime.  In Latin, the title is Stella Matutina, which sounds like bomba star meets 80’s quintessential katulong.  And would you believe that it is also very Sharonian?  Venus as a planet is a bituing walang ningning.  Now, in your mind, sing that classic ditty as though it’s the Blessed Mother singing it.  Now doesn’t that give you goosebumps?  Now, imagine KC singing it. Hmmm… KC… <<goosebumps sabay tulo laway>>

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Hep, hep! Tama na ang pagpapantasya… Tapusin na natin ito.

The title which bags our number one spot is…Mystical Rose!  Now, quite a number of reason why Mystical Rose made it to the number one, and Donita Rose has nothing to do with it. So does the singer Mystica.  Rather, let’s see the serious merits of that cool Marian title.  Mystical Rose is translated in the Batangueño version of the litany as “Rosang Bulaklak na Di-Mapuspos ng Bait ng Tao ang Halaga.” Quite a mouthful, diba, but that’s besides the point. What is underlined here is the mystery of this title.  It recalls the epitaph of Rilke (“Oh Rose, pure contradiction…etc.”), the book of Umberto Eco (The Name of the Rose), that awful perfume old ladies wear (Tearose), that Edith Piaf movie (La Vie en Rose), etc…  Mystical Rose captures all that cannot be explained about Mary, all the qualities that we wish to imbue to the Blessed Virgin, all that is beyond us and yet, and yet haunts us still.  Naku, teka, sentihan na ito..

     Those who almost made it to our list are the following: Mother of God (already a Hall-of-Famer ), and Gate of Heaven (say “Pinto ng Langit” and tell me what comes first in your naughty mind).  Now, once again, I have a new reason to seek confession tomorrow.   Till next count down.

 

Mother Mary, pray for Utoy!