Utoy’s Pop Quiz Ek-Ek: What does your church wear reveal about you?

Nainspired ako sa success ng mga FaceBook quizzes (na madalas walang kwenta), syempre, gusto ko ring gumawa ng pareho (yung wala ring kwenta).  Gaya-gaya lang, pauso, ganun.  Ang napagdiskitahan kong topic ay ang ating usual Sunday wear, yung mga soot-soot natin kapag nagsisimba tayo, at kung anong sinasabi nito tungkol sa atin.  Bakit kamo yun ang napili kong tapic.  Kasi gusto ko at kasi blog ko ito.  Wag ka nang magulo, kumuha ka na ng bolpen at isulat sa palad nyo ang sagot(sayang ang papel, save the forest tayo).  Sige na’t multiple choice naman ito.  At syempre, true to FaceBook tradition, this quiz is “scarily accurate!”  Continue reading

Flowers For You!!! (by a celebrity guest blogger)

Para sa post na ito, naimbitahan ko si Glesy the Great na mag-guest blogger sa akin.  Na-attain na po ni Glesy ang celebrity status sa Pinoy blogosphere bilang guest blogger ng mga bigating mga Filipino datkomistas at wordpress bloggers.  At kung ayaw nyong maniwalang sikat si Gles, heto po ang list of more popular guestings ni Glesy in chronological order:

1.   HALLOWEEN SPECIAL BY GLESY THE GREAT (for Azrael)
2.   GLESY THE GREAT’S OWN VERSION: THE STORY OF NATIVITY (for Heleyna)
3.   GLESY THE GREAT’ VERSION OF BEAUTY AND THE BEAST (for Joycee)
4.  HAPPY HEARTS DAY (for Potsquared)
5.  MAYORDOMA NI KENGKAY (for Kengkay)
6.  I, GLESY THE GREAT SOLEMNLY SWEAR?  (for mommy Kengkay ulit)
7.  HE SAID, SHE SAID (for Burinj)
8.   HE SAID, SHE SAID (for Kirksydney)
9.  TONG TONG PAKITONG KITONG (for Lhay)

Ang especialty po nya ay humor posts, with a heart and a brain.   At kung hanggang ngayon eh di mo pa rin kilala si Glesy d’Great, well.. bahala ka, di ka cool.

Syempre, gusto kong makasama sa prestihiyosong listahan na yan kaya na-Fear Factor ko po si Glesy sa aking Bulaklak Post Challenge.  Napakarami ko po kasing mga bading na bading na litrato ng mga bulaklak na di ko naman maipagmalaki dahil di ako makapagsulat ng post about flowers, without any reference to human female anatomical parts.  Kaya kinailangan ko ang wholesomeness at expertice ni Glesy para maiparada ko naman ang aking mga pantashtik fikchurs oph plawersh nang hindi nawawala ang “for the whole dysfunctional family” factor ng blog ko.  Kaya para sayo, Glesy, maraming maraming salamat.  Kailangang i-schedule na natin ang date natin pag-uwi ko sa Pinas.

Anywey, tama na ang dakdak, Utoy.   Let’s hear it from Glesy!!! Continue reading

Ang Kapitagpitagang School Project ni Jhaynee (wakamakelam, blogkoto…)

May trangkaso ako so lumayo kayo sa akin at may sumpong ako.    Seryoso ako today.  Sa mga oras na ito, si Jhaynee lang ang ie-entertain ko. hmmm… entertain, parang kuya Germs lang.

you:  Sino namang Jhaynee yan ha?

Si Jhaynee  ay isang dalagang blogger na namamayagpag on-line mahigit isang taon na.   Madalas nyang topic ay tungkol sa pag-aaral, sa pakikipagrelasyon, sa personal nyang repleksyon at pilosopiya sa buhay.  In fact, ang last post niya ay isang napakasenswal at maimahen na tula tungkol sa… tambutso, with matching picture pa ng paso sa binti.  Siya ay isang estudyante ng UP Visayas College of Management na gustong gumawa ng bunggang bunggang project para mapansin naman siya ng crush nyang teacher na si Sir Ramirez.  Gusto nyang magreport tungkol sa makababalaghang daigdig ng blogging at naisipan niyang mambulahaw makiusap sa mga kapwa bloggers niya upang tulungan siya sa project na ito sa pamamagitan ng pagsagot sa kanyang tatlong mahiwagang tanong.  (Dalawin nyo ito para mabasa nyo ang offer nya, may puppy eyes pa talaga.) 

Di ko kilala personal si Jhaynee, di ko pa sya nakita ng harapan o kahit pa-sideview lang, di nya ako ka-Plurk, ka-YM, ka-Twitter o ka-Friendster.  Di rin sya madalas sa blog ko (nagparinig ba daw) at ako rin sa kanya.  Kinagat ko ang offer nya dahil pakiramdam ko eh napakabait niyang bata lalo na nung nabasa ko ang post niyang ito.  (tadtad na ng link ang post na ito ah.)  Isa pa, kasi ang ganda nya sa Avatar nya.  Parang si Patani lang.

Kaya, Jhaynee, kung sino ka man, nasaan ka man, para sayo ang trangkasuhing post na ito.  Heto na ang mga sagot sa mahihiagang tanong…. Continue reading

Isang Walang Kakwenta-kwentang Post na Hindi Dapat Pinag-aaksayahan ng Panahon ng Kahit na Sinuman

Nalalapit na ang paghuhukom sa blogroll ko.  Tatanggalin ko na ang mga tila yumao na’t di na muling magpaparamdam.  Gayunpaman, ako’y may iaalok na kaligtasan (you: may ganun?!!).  Ang sinomang magcomment sa post na ito ay mananatili sa blogroll ko, no questions asked.  So magcomment ka na kahit wala ka pang nababasa tutal, katulad nga ng sabi sa title, ito ay “Isang Walang Kakwenta-kwentang Post na Hindi Dapat Pag-aksayahan ng Panahon ng Kahit na Sinuman.”

* * * * *

ang totoo eh wala akong kahilig-hilig sa tag.  Gayunpaman, di ko mahindian ang alindog requests nina byutipul Heleyna at ni cutie Eloiski na patusin ang tag na ito na pinamagatang Ten Random Things About Me.   Ang gusto pa nga nila eh magpost ako ng candid picture ko dito (isa ring tag yun) pero I care for my readers.  Ayokong may masamang mangyari sa inyo kapag nakita nyo ng hitsura ko tulad ng bangungot, empatso, pasma o pagkawala ng ganang kumain (wag naman sanang mangyari sa akin ito, Lord!).   Kung di ka interesado sa kabagut-bagot na buhay ni Kuya Utoy  eh dumeretso ka na sa comment portion and assure yourself of a place in my blogroll, pero kung likas kang tsismosa eh stay around and read.  Mahaba ito so humanda ka.

Ten Random Things About Me…   Game. Continue reading

Of God, Atheists and Christmas Mornings

Warning 1:  This is a snobbishly serious english post.  Nosebleed.

Warning 2:  It is very important to visit this link first to know more about Taizé and understand what I’m about to say. 

I went and stayed at Taizé for four days, together with Père Manuel, two adult monitors and some teenagers from La Mure.  At the very beginning of the journey, it felt like it’s a roadtrip to hell.  Or at least for a magpie like me.  Not only do I barely speak French, but I also can’t keep up with the conversations of these kids who seemed to be hyperventilating their elisions and liaisons through any given topic.  Sometimes, I just felt plain stupid trying to weave through their speech, grasping no more than a word or two to give me the flimsiest clue of what they’re talking about.

That’s why, when I learned about the special group for Anglophones, I immediately grabbed the opportunity to make this Taizé experience truly meaningful.  I left my morning post as an animator for the “petits groupes” (much to the disappointment of Pére Manuel) and hobnobbed with those who can truly compose a real English sentence and pronounce it correctly.  The Taizé experience is just too good to be lost in translation (or the virtual lack of).

Out of the 3,000 people in Taizé that time ( French youth mostly), there was only about 20 Anglophones present, and I was surprised how motley our group was:  There were Germans (who were protestant theologians and church leaders), Norwegian social workers, a Swedish Taizé volunteer, student-hitchhikers from Netherlands, a Brazilian, an Indonesian Catholic youth leader, a Russian Parisienne, etc, etc… and of course, me, a Filipino.  In fact, even the Taizé brother who gave us a talk is an American of Puerto Rican descent.  Sure enough, this variety of culture has brought a lively exchange of varied experiences and ideas among us, which, on the bottomline, surprisingly shares so many common essential elements.

One of the themes of these meeting of Anglophones focused on the Incarnation of God.  A Gospel reflection was made from Luke 2:8-20 which speaks of the adoration of the infant Jesus by the shepherds.   Br. Hector of Taizé then lead us to recall our Christmas experiences and traditions.   Indeed, each of us has something to share about Christmas but I was quite surprised that the warmest and most intimate Christmas memory was that of Ralph (not his real name).  Ralph, you see, is an atheist.  I had a notion of what atheists are before, basing on the some “atheists” who left ignorant comments on my blog  and I, of course, deleted.  But Ralph changed all my negative image of an atheist:  Yes, he doesn’t believe in the existence of God but then he doesn’t argue with or taunt anyone about religion, he’s genuinely open to the opinion of others regarding faith, he’s not fumingly angry with the Church and he is not afraid to explore and experience Taizé, a Christian place of dialogue and prayer.   The fact that he doesn’t think there’s God hasn’t hinder himself to be trully generous, open and brotherly.  What’s more, I, for one, secretly wished I had a Christmas as happy and as memorable as his.

During our small group discussion, we were asked to reflect on a statement which roughly goes like this:  “When all things in my life seems lost, God is my sure refuge.”  Or something like that, I already forgot.  Ralph, as expected, had a problem with the word “God” and so found it hard to make a reflection out of the statement.  I then suggested that he could probably substitute a word for God like Love or Peace or Justice or Family…  He paused for a short while and gave a confident reply.  He said, it will be, for him, his experience of Christmas.  He then explained that it’s because Christmas reminds him of home and family, the experience of unconditonal love and acceptance, the act of giving and receiving gifts, the warmth, the joyful expectation of being reunited with loved ones and gathering for meals…

His description of Christmas was surprisingly very Christian, as each of his words aptly describe an authentic life with Christ: a homecoming, a feasting, a welcoming, the spirit of thankfulness, sharing and acceptance.  In my Catholic world, this is the very essence of a Eucharistic life.

Truth to tell, I never suggested to Ralph how his Christmas experience translates to the experience of God.  I don’t want to impose my religion to this young man’s journey, especially when there’s so much going on in his heart which I myself do not understand and so must not interfere.  Nevertheless, within me, I am thankful to this young man who unknowingly reminded me of what truly God is all about.  It’s a shame how we, Christians, celebrate the major Christian feasts without truly experiencing their rich and life-changing significance.  I guess, it took an atheist to remind me all that, and as Frère Roger, the founder of Taizé succinctly said, God is love, and love alone.  Nothing else…

If you read this article in its entirety…

then your reward is this: 

My photos of the stainglass windows of the church of Taizé!

Pentecost

Pentecost

Visitation

Visitation

Easter

Easter

Annunciation

Annunciation

Transfiguration

Transfiguration

Palm Sunday

Palm Sunday

Assumption

Assumption

Epiphany

Epiphany

If you noticed, each of these stainglass windows represent a particular Catholic liturgical feast.  I arranged them not by their chronological order but rather according to the sequence of colors on a rainbow. Wala lang. Trip ko lang.  These windows were artworks of Frère Eric de Saussure, a brother of Taizé who died last year.  I pray now that as we celebrate and reflect on these feasts, may we truly discover their meaning and message in our lives.  Amen.

Da U.N. Avenue Scandal!!! (with juicy pictures)

This is not a foodie post.

It all started when my friend priest, craving for tempura, called me up to spirit him away from the meeting of chancellors at a Catholic establishment at U.N. Ave.  We headed to the nearest Japanese fastfood that obviously carries tempura in its menu: Tempura Japanese Grill.   But since the restaurant doesn’t open until 11AM, we waited al fresco on the tables set outside the establishment.  We had 30 minutes to kill so we chatted away about his fellow priests’ botched plan of going to Corregidor.  Then I noticed something from where I sit.

On an art gallery near us is a nook, and on the wall of that nook is this:

Marian Icon

Marian Icon

It’s a painted replica of the icon of the Blessed Mother and the Infant Jesus.   A traditional Christian Orthodox religious art, this replica is well-rendered, surely done by someone knowledgeable with the aspects of Eastern Church’s iconography.  It’s a bit bothering, however, to see how this beautiful painting was vandalized by making long and deep scratches on the face of Mary and Jesus.  

scratched face

scratched face

It resulted to the peeling and breaking of the media.  It leaves an ominous feeling of hatred and violence to those who views it. 

Now for this story’s pay-off.

As I approached the painted wall, I was even more surprised to see yet another painting, done on an iron gate positioned at right angle with the Marian painting.  It is this.

Pantokrator on Iron Gate

Pantokrator on Iron Gate

Painted on the gate is the Pantokrator, a yet another classic Eastern Church icon.  Pantokrator literally means “All-Mighty” and is a title often ascribed to Jesus Christ.   The image of the Pantokrator often depicts Christ holding a book with his left hand while his right hand is raised in a seemingly admonishing and teacherly (may ganun bang word?) manner.  Here we can see the knowledge of the artist in Christian iconography by his attention to details:  hair parted at the middle, gold-leaf rendering of the halo, the signiture icon-style of body dimensions and facial symmetry.  Again, notice how the eyes of the Pantokrator was deliberately defaced by a vandalizer.

face of the pantokrator

face of the pantokrator

Notice too how on top of the Pantokrator, these portentious words were written.

inscription on the icon

inscription on the icon

Chilling, isn’t it?  What could the artist mean by that?  Is it a manipulative art that evokes guilt feelings from its beholders?  Is it a pop-art that only hopes to shock but really doesn’t mean anything?  Is it a cult art of some kind?

And then I noticed this:

 

 

the scandal

the scandal

Imagine the scandal this picture caused me.  Aba eh malala pa pala kay Jose Antonio Montoya ang gagong painter nito ah!  Nandun na ako, creative, artistic… Pero gawin bang deterrent ng mga  Shaider (shy umihi kaya humarap sa pader) ang icon ni Jesus at ni Mary!  Gusto kong magwala.  Gusto kong mag-amok.  It’s not amusing at all.  I made my own parodies of biblical characters and the teachings of the Church, pero I’ve got my limits.  Sobra na ito.  Truth to tell, Im not easily scandalized, pero with this picture, I’m still upset as of writing.

My priest-friend lost his craving for tempura.  We left even before the restaurant opened.

Bisi-bisihan Overload

Recent highlights on the charmed life of Utoy, the saintly seminarian from hell.

  • my dad had a stroke last week.  I’m flying to bicol on the 5th of July to visit him.  My sister said he’s calling out for me.  Weeks ago, when I called him up on his birthday, he pleaded me to visit him there before I leave for my pastoral exposure.  When I said I’ll try but I can’t promise, he told me in high Batangueño:  “Ay ala, anak, bakin ga gay-on?  Baka ga ako eh magpantay na ang paa habang ikaw eh naanduon sa malayo.  Alaan mo namang tuong ikapamamanglaw ko ang pagyao mo duon.”  (translated:  Alas, my son, why is it so?  I fear that I should perish while you’re at a great distance.  You knew very well the sorrow it would cause me once you embark on the journey yonder.)  I then answered (also in high Batangueño), “Ay, tatay, ako ga nama’y ubos na ang bakasyon eh kainaman din naman sa hirap magpaalam sa aking supiryor at gawa nang ang pagkakaingli ng pari dine eh ako’y naghihikap laang.”  (translated:  Dad, I’ve used up all my vacations and it’s just darn dificult to get permission from my superiors as these priests often suspect that I’m just playing hookey.)  To that he replied, “Ay gay-on ga?  Ay sya’t ako na laang ang gagawa ng paraa’t nang harimanawari’y tayo eh makapagpanagpo laang at makapaglipon-lipon.”  (translated:  Is that so?  Well then, let me find a way so that, God willing, we’ll be reunited again to enjoy each other’s company.)  Two weeks later, he indeed gave me a valid and urgent reason to visit him.  Haaay, Tatay…  Seriously speaking now, I very much worried.  Please pray for my Tatay.
  • I called a plane ticketing hotline to reserve a plane seat to Bicol.  They gave me a round trip to Legaspi.  That same day, I went to pay for the reservation where I was given a printout as a ticket.  Gone were the days when tickets really looked like tickets.  Later that day, my sister called me up so say how stupid I am for booking a flight to Legaspi instead of Naga.  How on earth would I know there’s an airport in Naga? Oh, well, at least, I’ll get to see Mayon again.
  • Last thursday I went to apply for a visa.  As I checked from the embassy’s website, I learned that I am to set an appointment first before I can submit my requirements.  And so I called their visa section for a schedule.  A foreign-sounding lady answered.

         me: helo, helo, gudmowning, mam, ay wud layk to inkwayr haw mats syud I pay por bisa prasesing? tenkyu beri mats.

         foreign lady:  (paused a little)  99 euros, monsieur.

         me:  (with a certain thickness of the face)  haw mats is dat in pesos?

The lady, patient enough to bear with my temerity, gave me the amount.  I thanked him again and put down the phone.  Then, I realized, I forgot to set an appointment!  So I called up again.  A Pinay answered.

         me:  helow poh, pede poh akong magpa-sched ng appointment?

         Pinay:  mamaya pang alas dos.  (then she banged down the phone).

hmmmm… rudeness.   So I waited for 2pm and just to be sure, I called up at 2:30pm.  A different pinay answered.

          me:  helow poh, pwede pong magtanong kung…

         Different Pinay:  Hindi ito tanungan.  for setting of appointments lang.  (then she banged down the phone)

uunganaman.  My bad.  As in every situation with a lady, I always deliver the wrong pickup line.  So I called up again.  Yet another Pinay answered.

         me: helow poh, magpapasched poh ako ng date of submission.  Pede po sa byernis?

         Yet Another Pinay:  Ok.  8am, tomorrow.   (then she slams down the phone.  Standard procedure siguro nila ang maging rude.)

My conclusion:  If you happen to call or visit an embassy for visa, for your own sake, avoid the Pinay.  Most likely, she’s got PMS or is simply a bitch.

  • Two weeks ago, I gave our novices a talk on… -I don’t think you’ve guessed it-  the breviary.  It’s actually an expertise of mine as I knew the history, the structure, the theology, the inner logic (or the lack of) and quite a host of trivia about this beloved prayerbook.   It was some serious conference on prayer which the novices had no choice but to attend.  The good priests, God bless their humor, paid me with movie passes (or in today’s lingo, invites).  I spent them all at once with Kung Fu Panda and The Happening.  The Kung Fu Panda recounts my own battle with gluttony and low self-esteem and how I overcame them by eating siomai with a Master.  The Happening is a very funny movie about people killing themselves faster than they do today.  I mean, don’t pollution, over-eating, smoking, fad diets, substance abuse and sleep deprivation already examples of suicidal acts?  And the way Mr. Wahlberg acts:  Downright hilarious.
  • I gave a recollection talk to the community last Saturday which I conscentiously and lovingly prepared 30 minutes before it started.  It wasn’t bad, it turned out.  Some even congratulated me.  Now it’s official:  I’ve got a special talent, a gift of winging things out. hehehe…
  • Again, please pray for my Tatay.  and for Bluep’s Dad as well as he undergone (underwent? undergoed?  alin ang tama?) surgery today.  And pray for Jhoen to who will be ordained tomorrow to the Order of Deacons.  God bless!

My Top Five Coolest Apostles, Shamelessly Relaunched!

I’m reposting one of my earliest posts, the one that only bluepanjeet ever noticed. hehehe… historical na ito, as in last Holy Week.  Now, do I sound like I’m begging you to read it?  Don’t answer that.  Just read on.

Last Holy Thursday morning, I went to the distaff side of our congregation, our beloved sisters who were once contemplative nuns before Perfectae Caritatis (a Vatican document on Nuns) was published and are now known as those cream-colored sisters from Zabarte. There, together with the two of my brothers, I gave a recollection to a dozen of prepubescent boys who will play apostles  that night (sige, sister, start them young…) at the Liturgy of the Washing of the Feet. That day, they picked out from a bowl the names of the apostles they represent. This is a touch pointless, I think because, as soon as they’re robed and bearded, it’s only Judas and Peter you’ll recognize. Judas, because he’s often made up like some villain in a bad Old Western flick, and Peter, because he has these ridiculously huge keys hanging on his belt, like some nightshift school janitor from antiquity. While there’s a minor ruckus about being the Judas in the bunch, most of them had not a slightest idea who these apostles were. So, I tried my best to explain how the apostles are actually cool dead guys who used hang around with Jesus in Galilee beach. I even surprised myself on how much I know of the gory details the apostles met their martyrdom. Anyway…  Enough of the intro. Here are the top five coolest Apostles whom Jesus shared lunch with.

Number 5 in our list is Apostle Andrew! Andrew exudes masculinity by acting laconic all through out the Gospel (very quiet, this dude), and even has the name to assert his macho image (I learned from my Greek class that Andreia, a common name for a woman, ironically means manhood). His manner of crucifixion on a saltire cross (that’s an X-shaped cross for you, heathen) evokes an image from another equally immortal saga of the battle between good and evil that has captivated the hearts of many men and women of all ages around the globe: the marquee of X-Men Trilogy. But, as the Eastern churches pointed out in their iconography, our number five guy has just too much guy-thing in him, he might as well be the Queer Five’s next makeover project. His wild-haired, untidy and “wasted”-chic image just doesn’t work for some.

Apostle Matthew made it to the Number 4 of our countdown. This gentleman has a knack for story-telling and a passion for writing that a Gospel was attributed to him (which is a great talent to have, especially in keeping your date interested, and in stealthly avoiding the next round of gin bulag.) He has got a nickname, Levi, which is both Jewish and “expensive jeans”-sounding. The book he purportedly wrote is symbolized by a man with wings, which brings to mind Angel (of X-Men: The Last Stand fame, who is both awe-inspiring and irrelevant to the movie). But he’s down to #4 mainly because that stint as an Internal Revenues man isn’t really helping his image. But hey, at least, he gets to be number four in our list!

Apostle Thomas made it to a very respectable number three. The notoriety of our number three Apostle is recorded in the Scripture when he had the audacity to doubt Jesus’ resurrection. But what’s really cool is that he’s often depicted in paintings as poking into the torso wound of Jesus, a la Fear Factor style. Like, the temerity of this guy! Thomas is known by many name: the Believer (since he’s the first to address Jesus as “my God.”), the Scientist (because his a posteriori approach to truth is very positivist, or said so by my professor in Epistemology), Apostle to India… A little trivia here from JBC (seminary speak for that huge book about scripture which every theology student must have): his whole name is Thomas Didymus, both of which mean the Twin. Now, your dad won’t name you Twin Twin, would he? So that means, despite all these nicknames and stuffs, we actually do not know Thomas’s real name. Oh, well…

Next on our list is Apostle John. Esteemed with the honor of being the Last of the Witnesses, John is generally considered as Jesus’ best buddy. Born to Mr. and Mrs. Zebedee, our number two guy and his brother, James, are monickered Sons of Thunder (which sounded silly in tagalog: imagine responding to the label, Anak ng Kulog), as though they have Storm and Thor as their mom and dad. The Gospel of his namesake suggested in the subtlest manner that he gets to take care of Jesus’ mom (and our mom, too) not because he’s got superheroes for parents but mainly because it’s the sweetest thing our main man Jesus can do for his best friend, trusting his most loved girl to John’s care. Or was it John who needed the caring? Anyway… There’s a little something about this Apostle that nags the sensibilities of many, like being called the Beloved, having no beard, owning a crown of silky flowing hair and be mistaken, of all people, for Mary Magdalene. Was John just being metrosexual? And, come on now, what is that resting one’s head on the Lord’s chest all about? I don’t know but your sacrilegious guess is as just good as mine.

And now, for our number one spot, we’ve got… drumrolls, please… Apostle Peter! Now, people, this isn’t lutong macao. But just imagine who could be cooler than Peter? If that wrestler-turned-actor now preferred to be billed as Dwayne Johnson, Pete here relished being called The Rock. And that’s because he’s no Simple Simon at all aspect: he’s got a lovely wife (we know for a fact that middle-eastern women are generally astoundingly beautiful), a mother-in-law who cooks for the gang, a yacht, a fishing business, a retirement place along the beaches of Italy, the primacy among his fellow Apostles, and, of course, the famous keys to Heaven. And his bizarre ideas of joining Christ in walking on water, getting lunchmoney from fish bellies and, later in life, being crucified upsidedown are simply genius, a legitimate exercise of coolness. Our applause to Peter, the Apostle!

Other contenters who almost made it to our list but are still noteworthy were Apostle Paul (late entry) and Judas Escariot (disqualified). Now, excuse me, you all. I just really need to go to confession…

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