Top Five Coolest Apostles

Last Holy Thursday morning, I went to the distaff side of our congregation, our beloved sisters who were once contemplative nuns before Perfectae Caritatis was published and are now known as those cream-colored sisters from Zabarte. There, together with the two of my brothers, I gave a recollection to a dozen of prepubescent boys who will play apostles  that night (sige, sister, start them young…) at the Liturgy of the Washing of the Feet. That day, they picked out from a bowl the names of the apostles they represent. This is a touch pointless, I think because, as soon as they’re robed and bearded, it’s only Judas and Peter you’ll recognize. Judas, because he’s often made up like some villain in a bad Old Western flick, and Peter, because he has these ridiculously huge keys hanging on his belt, like some nightshift school janitor from antiquity. While there’s a minor ruckus about being the Judas in the bunch, most of them had not a slightest idea who these apostles were. So, I tried my best to explain how the apostles are actually cool dead guys who used hang around with Jesus in Galilee beach. I even surprised myself on how much I know of the gory details the apostles met their martyrdom. Anyway…

Enough of the intro. Here are the top five coolest Apostles whom Jesus shared lunch with.

Number 5 in our list is Apostle Andrew! Andrew exudes masculinity by acting laconic all through out the Gospel (very quiet, this dude), and even has the name to assert his macho image (I learned from my Greek class that Andreia, a common name for a woman, ironically means manhood). His manner of crucifixion on a saltire cross (that’s an X-shaped cross for you, heathen) evokes an image from another equally immortal saga of the battle between good and evil that has captivated the hearts of many men and women of all ages around the globe: the marquee of X-Men Trilogy. But, as the Eastern churches pointed out in their iconography, our number five guy has just too much guy-thing in him, he might as well be the Queer Five’s next project. His wild-haired, untidy and “wasted”-chic image just doesn’t work for some.

Apostle Matthew made it to the Number 4 of our countdown. This gentleman has a knack for story-telling and a passion for writing that a Gospel was attributed to him (which is a great talent to have, especially in keeping your date interested, and in stealthly avoiding the next round of gin bulag.) He has got a nickname, Levi, which is both Jewish and “expensive jeans”-sounding. The book he purportedly wrote is symbolized by a man with wings, which brings to mind Angel (of X-Men: The Last Stand fame, who is both awe-inspiring and irrelevant to the movie). But he’s down to #4 mainly because that stint as an Internal Revenues man isn’t really helping his image. But hey, at least, he gets to be number four in our list!

Apostle Thomas made it to a very respectable number three. The notoriety of our number three Apostle is recorded in the Scripture when he had the audacity to doubt Jesus’ resurrection. But what’s really cool is that he’s often depicted in paintings as poking into the torso wound of Jesus, a la Fear Factor style. Like, the temerity of this guy! Thomas is known by many name: the Believer (since he’s the first to address Jesus as “my God.”), the Scientist (because his a posteriori approach to truth is very positivist, or said so by my professor in Epistemology), Apostle to India… A little trivia here from JBC (seminary speak for that huge book about scripture which every theology student must have): his whole name is Thomas Didymus, both of which mean the Twin. Now, your dad won’t name you Twin Twin, would he? So that means, despite all these nicknames and stuffs, we actually do not know Thomas’s real name. Oh, well…

Next on our list is Apostle John. Esteemed with the honor of being the Last of the Witnesses, John is generally considered as Jesus’ best buddy. Born to Mr. and Mrs. Zebedee, our number two guy and his brother, James, are monickered Sons of Thunder (which sounded silly in tagalog: imagine responding to the label, Anak ng Kulog), as though they have Storm and Thor as their mom and dad. The Gospel of his namesake suggested in the subtlest manner that he gets to take care of Jesus’ mom (and our mom, too) not because he’s got superheroes for parents but mainly because it’s the sweetest thing our main man Jesus can do for his best friend, trusting his most loved girl to John’s care. Or was it John who needed the caring? Anyway… There’s a little something about this Apostle that nags the sensibilities of many, like being called the Beloved, having no beard, owning a crown of silky flowing hair and be mistaken, of all people, for Mary Magdalene. Was John just being metrosexual? And, come on now, what is that resting one’s head on the Lord’s chest all about? I don’t know but your sacrilegious guess is as just good as mine.

And now, for our number one spot, we’ve got… drumrolls, please… Apostle Peter! Now, people, this isn’t lutong macao. But just imagine who could be cooler than Peter? If that wrestler-turned-actor now preferred to be billed as Dwayne Johnson, Pete here relished being called The Rock. And that’s because he’s no Simple Simon at all aspect: he’s got a lovely wife (we know for a fact that middle-eastern women are generally astoundingly beautiful), a mother-in-law who cooks for the gang, a yacht, a fishing business, a retirement place along the beaches of Italy, the primacy among his fellow Apostles, and, of course, the famous keys to Heaven. And his bizarre ideas of joining Christ in walking on water, getting lunchmoney from fish bellies and, later in life, being crucified upsidedown are simply genius, a legitimate exercise of coolness. Our applause to Peter, the Apostle!

Other contenters who almost made it to our list but are still noteworthy were Apostle Paul (late entry) and Judas Escariot (disqualified). Now, excuse me, you all. I just really need to go to confession…




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