My Top Five Coolest Old Testament Villains

Today, we’re going to take a closer look at a handful of colorful characters in the Old Testament that has given our biblical leading men a hard time in their career or at least has kept their hands tangled for some time: the contrabidas.  I was actually hoping to write about New Testament villains with Judas bagging the number one post, but so far, I can only identify three villains.  The rest are but a collective of single-minded people determined to give Jesus the biblical pain in the neck, like the Sanhedrin, the Saducees, the Roman soldiers…  Anyway, without much ado, here are my top five coolest Old Testament Villains:

Beginning at number five, we’ve got Delilah!  Sexy, sultry, seductive, sensuous, sylphlike and just about any adjective that flatters a woman beginning with the letter S, our number five villain, uhm, villainess played the role of a double agent and stole the heart of Samson, the undefeatable but embarrassingly gullible champion of the Jews.  If you watched Ruffa Guttierrez’s Manila Film Fest award-winning acting in the movie, Loretta, you’d agree that there’s nothing more menacing than a woman standing by your bedside, wielding a bladed weapon as you sleep, especially if that woman by your bedside is Ruffa herself.  Mercifully, all that Delilah had to do to subdue Samson was to give him a really bad haircut.  This is, of course, after a series of misses that hasn’t even arouse Samson’s slightest suspicion.  Not to be judged solely for her looks, but also for her, uhm, sharpness and persistence,  this biblical beauty gets away with the fifth place.

Number four in our countdown is King Saul!  Now, Saul is not the bad guy of the usual mold.  In fact, he has the honor of being the first King of Israel, chosen on the merits of… height and beauty.  I’m not kidding.  Look it up at chapter 9 of the first book of Samuel.  What makes him cool however is that he’s got this very showbiz side of him that evokes a psychologically conflicted personality who knows what it feels to be robbed of the spotlight.  When the mas bata at sariwa David came to the scene, his approval rating in the kingdom (measured by an ancient SWS and announced daily through a song number) just failed to hold up and so, bitter of being laos, he waged war with David.  Had this happened today, pareng Saul and David could have just settled it in a pataasan ng score sa Magic Sing or, true to his showbiz bent, King Saul will probably reinvent himself by getting a pair of killer abs and appearing in a sex scandal video.   Short of becoming an archetype of an upstaged has-been, our number four villain is King Saul.   

Jezebel gets to be our number three contrabida.  Nope, she isn’t Alice Dixson.  Nope, not Vilma Santos either. And nope, not even Marian Rivera, though that merits a patient waiting on my part.  Far from being a fish-tailed Mars Ravelo character, Jezebel is a scheming, power-hungry, murderous, vengeful but little-known Canaanite queen who wouldn’t let anything or anyone get to her way, and is probably the earliest example of a sosyalerang b****.   Her object of hatred is Elijah, the champion of the True God and, in my opinion, the superstar of all Old Testament prophets.  The struggle between the her and Elijah is truly epic in proportion.  Mala-ZTE scandal ang dating.  Suffering the usual fate of a telenovela villainess, Queen Jezebel’s tale ended in a rather gory demise. Moving on.. 

Our number two spot belongs to The Pharaoh!  The name Pharaoh isn’t actually a personal name, a title, nor even a term of endearment but rather a way of referring to the Egyptian king without actually saying his (supposedly holy) name.  It literally means, The Big House, much like how we refer to the government as Sa Malacañang or The White House or Il Vaticano or La Casa Rosa or sabi raw ng Head Office.   Now, the Pharaoh, upon learning that his people were being outnumbered by the ever-growing Jewish immigrants to Egypt, has decreed the following: 1. abortion, 2. infanticide, and 3. the hiring of all Hebrew men and women as construction workers and domestic helpers and subjecting them to unfair labor practices.  Now that’s eeeevil.  Moses, the first labor union leader, rose to obtain Philhealth benefits, vacation leave and night-time differentials for his people.  What then ensued was the most creative way of having the management sign a CBA contract: by means of Ten Plagues.  Hmmm, Ten Plagues.  That’s a good topic for the next countdown, though now, I can’t seem to resist Dom’s suggestion. Anyway…

Our number one villain in the Old Testament is…..! The Serpent!  Yup, the ultimate image of evil, the universal representation of a malevolent spirit, the animal that clearly spells bad news, the asp, the snake, the zero-legged reptile, da Serpent!  The first biblical bad guy is often depicted in medieval paintings as a coiling, sinuous creature asking a big-hipped naked woman to consider a high fiber fruit diet.  Not that it implies dieting as an invention of the Devil, but look, after Eve and Adam ate the Serpent’s offering, they began to make clothes for themselves and indulge themselves with yet another evil which fearfully thrive even in the present days: fashion.  Uy, ha. Gawa-gawa ko lang yan.  Baka naman maniwala kayo.  Mabalik tayo… The Serpent bagged the number one place in our countdown for his groundbreaking efforts to spread evil and suffering in this world.  I haven’t, in my lifetime been tempted by any reptile to go munch on a bayabas but isn’t the idea of a snake carrying on a meaningful conversation and even convincing our first parents to sin with a telemarketer’s ease cool enough for you?

Haynako, mapapahamak ako sa mga pinagsasasabi ko dito eh.  Next time siguro, I’m writing a disclaimer.  Hehehe…


14 Responses

  1. hehe thanks for visiting my blogsite kapatid. i like the comparison between loretta and delilah.

    @salamat din sa pagdalaw, kapatid na fiel.

  2. napadaan lang po=)
    pwede po ba tayong ex links?? at pwede nyo po bang isama d2 sa article nyo yung mahadera naming kapitbahay na nanlason sa aso kong si puti=) just kidding=)

    @hahaha! salamat sa pagdalaw. na-link ko na.

  3. buti nalang noong time ni King Saul and David wala pang Jewish Idol… he he he…

    nice one, as always…

    @kaso, talo pa rin si Saul kasi diba singer talaga si David? pero pwede syang madisqualify kasi maraming nude pics si David sa mga museum websites. hehehe… thanks for the visit!

  4. Ang daming trivial info ngayon sa blog mo, ayus to! masarap basahin! Medyo matagal akong nawala kaya ngayon lang ako nakabisita… hehehe! o hala, tama na muna ito at babasahin ko ang ibang older posts mo… hehehe!

    @mix! yan ang trend ng posts ko ngayon habang wala pa akong digicam. para kunyari, holy. hehehe…

  5. ang galing! i haven’t really thought of this in such a way that you just did. napaisip tuloy ako. ang bwisit talagang impaktong serpent yan. ngayon ko lang narealize that deceit goes way back pa from the time of adam and eve. vulnerability din sumasabay din… napapaisip talaga ako.

    @ifoundme! thanks for visiting! just don’t take too seriously the one about dieting and fashion as crime. LOL. God bless!

  6. Bro Utoy, naku delikado na ito.. mukhang naa-addict na ako sa mga countdown mo. Di bale, buti na lang at narere-fresh ako sa mga biblical characters so good addiction naman siguro yon no?

    Ang naisip kong villain ay si Salome kaso new testament na nga pala siya : )

    I look forward to the next countdown.

    thanks for reading, leap! limited run lang ang countdown (mga 7 to eight posts more) kaya if you’ve got ideas for me to write about, please share naman. God bless!

  7. napadaan lang po ulit brother=)..baka sakaling may bago po kayong post e=) have a nice day=)

  8. brother, don’t worry. wala sa vocabulary ko yung diet kasi underweight ako. hihihi! fashion? ukay na sakin UKay.. hehehe! matanong nga kita… what’s your most favorite bible verse?

    Ako? marami eh. I personally like the psalms, lalo na ang psalm 138. God bless!

  9. salamat sa mga ganitong klaseng post mo brother..dami na ako natutunan..hehh

    tnx sa pag update sa link

  10. got u from br vinz!..kkiba ang atake mo sa religious-themed site mo ah..

    ill add u up! 🙂

  11. The Serpent! A very unique creature…

    Have you ever wondered if God has really made this creature or did some1 else put this creature in paradise at that time to temp adam and eve to sin against god?

    much to my own understanding ppls have there own different version of the serpent being in paradise at that time, for everyone i asked they said when God created paradise it came along with it along with the rest of the animals which God has made, others said the devil made it that creature to distroy paradise… What about your side?

    You know in chinese mythology the serpent or snake is one of the major 12 zodiacs revered for its unique qualities, but feared for its darkside! Funny enough my zodiac sign is the snake with the elements of fire! Hhhmmm… makes me think whats your zodiac animal is?

    I like this topic wonder when will the next parts come out? Oh and hope your doing OK now! Until the next time… sssssssshhhhhhh…..

    @sa semiotics, kapatid, the serpent is often associated by many culture with anything evil or chaotic. on the other hand, it’s also a symbol for healing. one thing I can guess, mukhang 1977 ka ipinanganak ah! Dragon ang sign ko, just a few days shy from being a Snake. just like the snake, dragon, on most cultures, represents evil. Sa chinese lang sya medyo may dignidad. hehehe….
    as for your question, there is very little about the serpent for us to work with. I for one can only make guesses. as I see it, the serpent isn’t the source of sin. he is its instigator. sinfulness is a human nature, not of animal. if we treat the creation story as a myth, then we’ll understand that the serpent is really more of a symbol than a real character. He symbolized our selfish tendencies, our inclination to look at ourselves apart from God. No amount of fruit-biting can bring Adam and Eve to sin. it’s the idea that they’ll no longer need God once they’re gods themselves that caused the Great Fall.

  12. galing! ang dami ko ng naiintindihan! wee! post ka pa po ng marami.. susuportahan ko lahat! hehehe. two thumbs up! 😀

  13. […] sa Batibot Babe (ito at ito yun), mga kalokohang top five at top ten (halimbawa’y ito, ito, ito, ito at ito at marami pang iba), mga ratings (ito at ito ang examples nun).  Nagpopost ang mga […]

  14. Okay na okray yang message mo brother utoy ah. Hanep! Galing mo sa explanation. Puede na kitang bigyan ng award sa pangOlympic mong blog.

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