Today, we’re going to take a closer look at a handful of colorful characters in the Old Testament that has given our biblical leading men a hard time in their career or at least has kept their hands tangled for some time: the contrabidas. I was actually hoping to write about New Testament villains with Judas bagging the number one post, but so far, I can only identify three villains. The rest are but a collective of single-minded people determined to give Jesus the biblical pain in the neck, like the Sanhedrin, the Saducees, the Roman soldiers… Anyway, without much ado, here are my top five coolest Old Testament Villains:
Beginning at number five, we’ve got Delilah! Sexy, sultry, seductive, sensuous, sylphlike and just about any adjective that flatters a woman beginning with the letter S, our number five villain, uhm, villainess played the role of a double agent and stole the heart of Samson, the undefeatable but embarrassingly gullible champion of the Jews. If you watched Ruffa Guttierrez’s Manila Film Fest award-winning acting in the movie, Loretta, you’d agree that there’s nothing more menacing than a woman standing by your bedside, wielding a bladed weapon as you sleep, especially if that woman by your bedside is Ruffa herself. Mercifully, all that Delilah had to do to subdue Samson was to give him a really bad haircut. This is, of course, after a series of misses that hasn’t even arouse Samson’s slightest suspicion. Not to be judged solely for her looks, but also for her, uhm, sharpness and persistence, this biblical beauty gets away with the fifth place.
Number four in our countdown is King Saul! Now, Saul is not the bad guy of the usual mold. In fact, he has the honor of being the first King of Israel, chosen on the merits of… height and beauty. I’m not kidding. Look it up at chapter 9 of the first book of Samuel. What makes him cool however is that he’s got this very showbiz side of him that evokes a psychologically conflicted personality who knows what it feels to be robbed of the spotlight. When the mas bata at sariwa David came to the scene, his approval rating in the kingdom (measured by an ancient SWS and announced daily through a song number) just failed to hold up and so, bitter of being laos, he waged war with David. Had this happened today, pareng Saul and David could have just settled it in a pataasan ng score sa Magic Sing or, true to his showbiz bent, King Saul will probably reinvent himself by getting a pair of killer abs and appearing in a sex scandal video. Short of becoming an archetype of an upstaged has-been, our number four villain is King Saul.
Jezebel gets to be our number three contrabida. Nope, she isn’t Alice Dixson. Nope, not Vilma Santos either. And nope, not even Marian Rivera, though that merits a patient waiting on my part. Far from being a fish-tailed Mars Ravelo character, Jezebel is a scheming, power-hungry, murderous, vengeful but little-known Canaanite queen who wouldn’t let anything or anyone get to her way, and is probably the earliest example of a sosyalerang b****. Her object of hatred is Elijah, the champion of the True God and, in my opinion, the superstar of all Old Testament prophets. The struggle between the her and Elijah is truly epic in proportion. Mala-ZTE scandal ang dating. Suffering the usual fate of a telenovela villainess, Queen Jezebel’s tale ended in a rather gory demise. Moving on..
Our number two spot belongs to The Pharaoh! The name Pharaoh isn’t actually a personal name, a title, nor even a term of endearment but rather a way of referring to the Egyptian king without actually saying his (supposedly holy) name. It literally means, The Big House, much like how we refer to the government as Sa Malacañang or The White House or Il Vaticano or La Casa Rosa or sabi raw ng Head Office. Now, the Pharaoh, upon learning that his people were being outnumbered by the ever-growing Jewish immigrants to Egypt, has decreed the following: 1. abortion, 2. infanticide, and 3. the hiring of all Hebrew men and women as construction workers and domestic helpers and subjecting them to unfair labor practices. Now that’s eeeevil. Moses, the first labor union leader, rose to obtain Philhealth benefits, vacation leave and night-time differentials for his people. What then ensued was the most creative way of having the management sign a CBA contract: by means of Ten Plagues. Hmmm, Ten Plagues. That’s a good topic for the next countdown, though now, I can’t seem to resist Dom’s suggestion. Anyway…
Our number one villain in the Old Testament is…..! The Serpent! Yup, the ultimate image of evil, the universal representation of a malevolent spirit, the animal that clearly spells bad news, the asp, the snake, the zero-legged reptile, da Serpent! The first biblical bad guy is often depicted in medieval paintings as a coiling, sinuous creature asking a big-hipped naked woman to consider a high fiber fruit diet. Not that it implies dieting as an invention of the Devil, but look, after Eve and Adam ate the Serpent’s offering, they began to make clothes for themselves and indulge themselves with yet another evil which fearfully thrive even in the present days: fashion. Uy, ha. Gawa-gawa ko lang yan. Baka naman maniwala kayo. Mabalik tayo… The Serpent bagged the number one place in our countdown for his groundbreaking efforts to spread evil and suffering in this world. I haven’t, in my lifetime been tempted by any reptile to go munch on a bayabas but isn’t the idea of a snake carrying on a meaningful conversation and even convincing our first parents to sin with a telemarketer’s ease cool enough for you?
Haynako, mapapahamak ako sa mga pinagsasasabi ko dito eh. Next time siguro, I’m writing a disclaimer. Hehehe…