Utoy’s Approval Ratings: Ten Plagues of Moses

I’ve been reviewing my bible from Genesis to Revelation and boy, am I now running out to ideas for countdowns!  Isa pa, some bloggers caught on with the idea of My Top Five so I thought I have to move on with a fresh gimmick.  And so… Readers, I bring you UTOY’S APPROVAL RATINGS!!!   How is it done?  Simple.  Given a topic, say Prophets in the Bible, I get to give grades to each candidates I choose, and depending on how I see them, some would get high grades while some, well, would just have to do better next time.   This way, I get to bash a candidate if he happens to fail my expectations.  Odiba, may katayan!  Ansaya! 

I find the Ten Plagues of Moses as a good place to start this rating thingy, kasi everyone who read their bibles, listened to their catechists (or Sunday School teacher) or at least watched the Prince of Egypt is familiar with them.  who’d forget Moses when he shouted in his deep stentorian voice: “Let my people go!”  So ano pa ang hinihintay natin?  Let’s rate ’em!

According to their order of appearance in the bible, the Ten Plagues of Egypt!

bloodyPlague # 1: Turning Water into Blood.  This particular plague turned the Egyptian people into Englishmen.  Everyone goes to the bloody kitchen, stand by the bloody sink, open the bloody spigot and out comes whot?  Bloody ‘ell!  One can be very subjective with this plague because you see, as the saying goes, “One man’s poison, another man’s cure.”   While maybe the Egyptians are now cursing yet another dinuguan dinner, the curse may be a blessing to the Rosa Rosal and the Red Cross, to Fear Factor set designers and horror flick propsmen and most specially to Lestat and the whole vampire community.  Utoy’s Approval Rating: 85%

frogPlague #2:  Frogs.  Now this IS my idea of a plague: campy, fun and downright messy.  Plus, there’s no casualty here, only annoyance, where the Egyptians were croaked to submission by these harmless pond-dwellers. This particular punishment given to the Egyptian citizenry has the trappings of a Hollywood B movie, setting the tradition for the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes and The Blob:  The Invasion of the Mutant Frogs!!!  From the blood-soaked river of Nile emerges a murderous horde of viscous amphibians determined to dominate the entire Egypt!  See eyeliner-ed Egyptians and their mothers run for their lives as they try to elude the inevitable doom brought by… The Invasion of Mutant Frogs!!!  Utoy’s Approval Rating: 96%

nicknickPlague # 3:  Gnats  I had to google up what gnats really are, and it turned out they’re somewhat related to our native “niknik.”  Every carabao owner knows these creatures can really be pesky, tenaciously stalking the poor beast wherever he goes.  Still,  I just can’t believe a whole country can be humiliated by storming its people with puny “niknik.”  A simple fumigation from Mapecon could have solved the problem in no time.  Utoy’s Approval Rating: 65%

maskmanPlague # 4: Flies.  When I was 12, I get to read the book, The Amityville Horror, where at each chapter, as the fright and dread escalate, the number of flies on the page increases.   Since then, I tend to associate flies with evil.  They’re evil enough to do waltz on surface of a steaming feces then innocently land on your dinner, adding flavor and germs to the now-soiled chicken galantina.  Also, these disease-carrying insects are really the universal symbol for plague, something every culture would agree about.  Utoy’s Approval Rating: 92%

virusPlague # 5: Pestilence.  You might have thought by now, where have all the frogs from Plague # 2 gone?  Well, the old Testament happily noted that they all died and the whole Egypt stank.  Then came gnats and flies which we presumed to have feasted on rotting frogs before swarming on people.  This unavoidably lead to the fifth plague:  Pestilence.  It’s a motley mix of biblical Mad Cow Disease, Avian Flu and Foot-and-Mouth Disease that had done the livestock of pre-vaccination Egypt.   Wicked.  Utoy’s Approval Rating: 90%

boilsPlague # 6: Boils.  Locally known as pigsa, to be afflicted with boils is graphically translated in Pinoy Bible as “matadtad ng bukol na nagnanaknak.”   Wow.  Pinoy Bible, ladies and gentlemen.  A little trivia here.  It seems that the ingenious technology of “bote para paputukin ang pigsa” is not yet available not just to the pre-Christianity Egypt, but to the whole modern Europe as well.  The Philippine Inquirer recently ran a story how the Philippine entry to Cannes Film Festival, “Serbis” with its gratuitous sex and deliberate grittiness was hissed for showing a scene of popping a boil with a Coke bottle.  Apparently, that is just too gross for them.  But oral sex involving children isn’t.  Huh?  I can’t figure it out myself.   Utoy’s Approval Rating: 76%

fireworksPlague # 7: Feiry Hail.  The triumph of the human spirit against all adversities is best illustrated in film, not by My Left Foot, The Gridiron Gang, The Mighty Ducks series or any other movies involving paraplegics, nerds, misfits and underdog sports team, but rather by our all-time favorite, Armaggedon.  Why?  Because in the average human mind, the ultimate picture of disaster involves a rain of fire and brimstone.  And this disaster, believe me, can surely be remedied or shielded away by the US Government, or at least that’s what Hollywood said so.  Too bad for Egypt, it would take a few thousand more years before the United State of America be born.    Utoy’s Approval Rating: 97%

tipaklongPlague # 8: Locust.  Of all insect plagues, this one went with a bit of a wrong timing.  After the bloody water, the litter of dead frogs, pestilence on crops and livestock, various insect infestations, and the storm of fire and hail, I couldn’t imagine, for the life of me, what lifeform could have survived the ordeal.  There’s nothing left for the locusts to destroy!  I mean if these attacked after all the food source were devastated, the the few remaining Egyptians would have surely said, “Hey look, big fat grasshoppers!  Grab some for dinner!”  Not a plague.  Not a plague at all.  Utoy’s Approval Rating:  68%

darknessPlague # 9:  Darkness.  Someone is misbehaving in the house?  Send him to his room, turn his lights off and let’s just see if he won’t be back begging for forgiveness…  Come on, Moses!   Can’t anything be more infantile than this punishment?  This goes at the same level with No TV For Three Days and A Whack of Ruler on the Butt. Besides, when pretty much of everything is destroyed by flaming storms and swarms of pests, why not just stay at home, munch on some deep-fried locusts (they said it’s high in protein) and do what normal people do when it’s dark… like, uhhmmm, sleep.  Utoy’s Approval Rating: 60%

RIPPlague # 10:  Death of First-born.  This one puzzles me a lot.  I mean, did the angel of death first made a preliminary census survey to determine who is the first-born in the family or did they just knock at each household and ask?  Would the first born mean, that of the father alone, that of the mother alone or that of the couple?  Does it apply to how far a generation, like your grandpa’s first-born, your great grandpa’s first-born, etc…?  In cases of twins, would they die both or only the one who got out first?  If the first-born already died, does that mean the punishment is waived on his family to avoid double jeopardy?  Having said that, I think it’s cool that the Jews had ways for the angel of death pass over them:  mark your doorjambs with blood.  For some Jewish household who’s first-born might have been a sort of a jackass in the family, Daddy might have just conveniently forgotten about brushing bloody hyssop on the doorpost.  “Bye-bye, Junior. You’ll surely be missed!”   Utoy’s Approval Rating: 89%  

So there you go,  Bro. Utoy’s Approval Ratings.  The candidates may not necessarily be that many (can be as few as three) and the topic may not be purely biblical.  This will be a regular feature on my blog so if you think it sucks, well then, that’s how life goes.  Deal with it.

God bless!

13 Responses

  1. Kapatid, todo na ang mga gimiks mo ha… may approval rating pa… medyo it reminded me of the Bulagaan sa Eat Bulaga… siyempre, mas gusto ko naman ang i-style mo.

    Hindi din ako mahilig sa mga palaka, in fact, kinasusuklaman ko ang mga ito. Pero hindi ko maisip na bastusin mo ang litrato ni Kermit. Hindi ka ba niya tinuruan ng A,B,Cs ng iyong kabataan?

    Naku, naaalala ko yung mga pigsa ko ng bata… super sakit noon kapag putukin. Alam ko hindi ako makalakad noon eh. Sa akin mataas-taas ang rating noon because of my own personal experience.

    By the way, hindi mo picture yung number 10 di ba? Sino naman yung pinatay mo? Kawawa naman siya… hehehe!

    yup, yup, yup, Eat Bulaga-inspired ang ratings na ito. kahit nung baby pa si Aiza Seguerra eh inaabangan ko na yun. sayang nga lang at wala akong knock-knock jokes tulad nila.
    si Kermit at ang ABC? basta para sa akin, C is for cookie and that’s good enough for me. a great lesson on contentment! hehehe…
    picture sa number 10? si Mikey yan, first-born ni… safe ko bang sabihin dito? first born yan ni…. (pabulong) jee em ey.

  2. whoa!

    i was wondering when you’d come out of hibernation. turns out i didn’t have to wait long. lo and behold, when i opened your page this piece of literary genius revealed itself in all its glory.

    i think you’ve outdone yourself on this. haha.. you should be spielberg’s spiritual guru slash film consultant!

    BLOODY BRILLIANT!!

    by the way, when i came across “flies”, naalala ko yung joke wherein two flies were hanging around on a piece of giant poop. suddenly, one fly farts loudly and the other one reacts with, “pare naman kumakain ako dito!”

    re: the grossness of our traditional way of curing pigsa vs oral sex involving children, you could really catch a glimpse there of what other societies are about. how they could stare the latter in the face, and cringe at the idea of the former is beyond me as well. siguro it has to do with how much of any idea is grasped over the years. oral sex involving children is a nightmare story as old as time, while pigsa -in- a- bottle is a fresh assault to the sensibilities. hence, the gravity of their reaction.

    AT ANY RATE… BRAVO!

    sobrang nag-enjoy ako bro utoy.

    and now you’ve got to excuse me because i have to clean the bloody toilet.
    🙂

    bluddy thanks! lumalaki na ang ulo ko sa mga papuri mo.
    as for the pigsa-in-a-bottle (natawa ako dun ha!), that’s one intelligent way of looking at it. God bless!

  3. Another ingenious “creation”, if I may say so! Loved the RIP touch on Mikey’s photo – how witty – hahaha!

    For me, apart from the frogs, pinaka-kadiri na ata ang pigsa plague – mapapa-“eeeww!” ka talaga with matching disgusted facial expression pa!😉 Too bad di pa uso Belo at Calayan noon, they would’ve made a killing (pardon the pun), if ever, di ba?

    natatakot nga ako sa ginawa ko sa pic ni Mikey kasi baka bigla na lang akong sugurin ng PSG sa seminaryo. hehehe…

  4. deadly yung number 10! no pun intended.

    thanks for reading my blog, abad. daan-daan lang. i added you up na, if you don’t mind. God bless!

  5. powtek… muntik ko nang mabugahan ng kape yung monitor ko nang maispatan yung image na para sa plague #10!

    you da man, bro! ansaya-saya…🙂

    sakto ba? hehehe…

  6. aba sa dami ba naman ng mga salot na ‘yan ewan na lang kung di pa magtanda ang buong ehipto.

    kung sa pinas siguro, given na edible ‘yong dugo, tiba-tiba ang gumagawa ng dinuguan, puto nalang kulang, at eto siguro ang first class “bloody-mary”, ‘yong plague 2 & 8, hindi salot ‘yon, pang-ulam ‘to – deep fry, kilawin o adobo.

    mukhang di ka siguradong “first son” ‘yong nasa pic sa plague 10, e’bat?

    sya nga lang talaga ang sigurado kong first born eh. at di maipagkakaila ang genetic traits. hehehe…

  7. elibs talga ako sayo! wala akong masabi kung hindi, super empress ako sa writings mo…

    what if more kaya kung super inspired ka?

    keep up the nice bloggings… kuya, take care!

    salamat, jojo!

  8. What a labor of imagination! So palatable lalo na yung chicken galantina na fly-flavored and the not-so-kadiri PIGSAAAA! HAHA! As usual, partly pop culture and partly pang-asar sa mga intellectual na nahihirapang i-ugnay ang diwa ng Banal ng Kasulatan sa pang-araw araw na karanasan gaya ng bote para sa PIGSAAA at LANGAW sa ating mga karinderia. Yung #10 – sort of inciting the current presidency as plaguing the Phils? Not a bad cue…
    More power, Bro Utoy!

    parang nahuhulaan ko na kung sino ka… God bless!

  9. hmm menaintriga ako dun sa cool change hehe peborit song ko kasi yun. magkaiba naman siguro IP namin ano?

    anyhow I love the number 10 plague. Just wondering why the parents didn’t die as well… oh well may karma naman and heart attack is by o means unpredictable… (haha ipinanalangin ba?)

    I hope God would pour all those ten plagues simultaneously at the palace near the pasig river. Ansaya nun! haha

    naku, wag nating bigyan ng pagkakataong tawaging martyrs ang mga yan. Best that they die in ripe old age so they’d see what horrors they have done. hehehe… Next ko, seven capital scenes naman. hehehe…

  10. nan laki ang malaki kung mata sa number 10…..hayop este hanep yung number 10…wahahaha
    ka biasnan mo talaga kuya utoy…wink!

    mukhang controversial ang number ten plague ko ah. unintentional yun! yata…

  11. Bro Utoy… nahiya naman ako at hindi ko na mukhaan yung pinatay mo. Tama, agree ako sa iyo. I would have used the same photo to describe the death of the first born.

    alam mo, leap, it’s an opinion shared by many here. parang sa lahat ng pictures na nalagay ko eh iyon ang may highest approval. hehehe…

  12. agree with 7…really scary.

    on frogs and flies…eeeeeiwwww!!!

    ibang klase talaga. you put blogging religious stuff into another level…these are the kind of topic that only few people reads but with the way you put things together…very engaging, easy to read and interesting.

    thank you for imparting THEOLOGY to us hahahah

    sa totoo lang, malen, ang hirap nga eh. parang napakalimited ng topic. pakiramdam ko, mauubusan talaga ako bago mag-July. hehehe…

  13. […] top five at top ten (halimbawa’y ito, ito, ito, ito at ito at marami pang iba), mga ratings (ito at ito ang examples nun).  Nagpopost ang mga seminarian-bloggers ng mga holy pictures at mga […]

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